Tracey
  • Female
  • Sydney, NSW
  • Australia
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At 11:17pm on September 10, 2010, BARBARA K. FELLER said…
If u need to contact me, my email is barbara j k feller AT gmail dot com. type all lower case all together. U can call me if u want home ph 6018239019 or cell 6013214161 Central time.
DO NOT TRY AND BEAT YOURSELF UP 'trying to find an answer'. The person that u need to give u the answer is dead. U will drive yourself crazy trying to understand it. U can't understand it.
I just had 2 bad nights. U will have good times/bad times. All the bad stuff will pass. I will not say that 'time itself is a healer'. It's not. but know this. Life is still good-even though u feel like u want to die-because the world u knew is gone. that loving sweet man u knew is gone. He's not there to hold u, to make love to you, to be your best friend, companion, husband, lover, sweet heart. U have to face anniversaries, birth days, death days, good memories bad memories. Don't let the bad out weight the good. don't make your hubby a saint either. we all have our faults-good and bad. No one is perfect-only Jesus is/God. My husband was Jewish/me Christian. I know JESUS gave him to me.
We all need to tell each other how much we cherish our loved ones-every day in every way as much as possible.
It is possible to survive, and thrive. U wsill have set backs-good days and bad days. Days leading up to anniversary dates wil be awful but once they pass it will get better. I had bad anxiety attacks and would walk for miles, late at night 3-4- 5 in the morning-talking to him/myself, god.
Please don't give up. I have been where u are and know your pain. I am your friend.. No one can understand-not a murdered spouse, a sudden death. Suicide is a completely different ball game. Love barb
At 11:07pm on September 10, 2010, BARBARA K. FELLER said…
It's awork in progres. Join a suicide survivors support group- that meets in person if there is one where u live. go to a therapist. U r not at fault. U think that if u love someone u can save them. I did everything right but u can't make someone want to live. They have to want to. All they know is that they r in pain want it to go away. There is an excellent organization in s. Fl. where I used to live called FISP-floria initiative for suicide prevention. they helped me a great deal. They sent me an information packet-books to read. Some of which titles are 'NO TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE'-Carla Fine.
why suicide is another one I got some books at barnes and noble store. I was out of my mind w/grief.
A grief counselor at a local church had the unmitigating gall to tell me "I predict that you will fall completely apart in about 4-6 weeks." I told her, "You don't know me and everything I've been through in my life. I will not fall apart." I will tell u there were nights when I thought I wanted to just kill myself. I missed my sweetie so bad. right as I was recovering from everything. I've lost 110 lbs kept it off for over 3 yrs & he's not here to see that I'm now 95% recovered.
NO matter what, you have to work at it. U will have times-when u don't remember what u just did. It would take me 5-6 hours to get out of the house. I would forget what I just did. This is not uncommon. It is all normal.
One of the books I do NOT recommend is called 'Room for Two'. This young man's story is stupid-in my opinon. He hadn't been w/his wife very long, mental problems ran in her family-both parents! when she became pregnant hormones were out of whack she blew her brains out. The baby survived died 2 wks. later The guy never went to therapy.He was young, had a home a job, parents that supported him& he went on remarried w/in 2 yrs? He wasn't w/her 20 yrs-u grow more in love, grown together. He got married too quickly u will get better hang in there!
At 10:51pm on September 10, 2010, BARBARA K. FELLER said…
This is continuied=sorry so long. Anyway, we begged both families to help us. My parents aren't rich but they helped all 3 brothers buying homes, businesses, etc. I have never had anything from them but grief. I've been on my own since age 19 totally supporting myself. Never asking for anything. My dad-great growing up-hated himself/his life/no self esteem--not happy w/my crazy mother-stayed married 66 yrs to that maniac. she's totally un nurturing & lives in UNREALITYVILLE_not me. She's childlike. dad turned alcholic-violent, after I survived abusive relationship w/ex fiance-mentally emotionally, physically he tried to kill me 11 times and all other physical horrors I've endured. I had gastric bypass lost 56 lbs rt away recovering took early ret. from SSA. His family ignored our pleas for help-1 cousin told stu he was 'over the top' & flew w/her hubby to Italy for 2 wks....sick sick sick. So he couldn't cope anymore-I put him in mental hosp 2 days then went to Psychiatrist's appt. he needed one himself-he was nutso!!! I was in nsg. school didn't finish yet-So I got up 1 morn. got a sip of water, bit of cottage cheese, came back to bed-we kissed cuddled & said good morning, I love u and smiled. 40 minutes later alarm went off. I took quick shower to go to allergist for shots. No stuie. He hung himself on back of bathroom door. I called 911 yelled out front door for help. My friend Judy psychotherapist 36 yrs retired-& I performed cpr-too late. My friend/our firend/neighbor Barbara had massive coronary that day. Judy had to get therapy. then my favorite/oldest brother of 3 dropped dead 7 months later & my dad 1 wk after that. lost my condo foreclosure. I left almost all possession behind. had to move in w/my g.f. & hubby who was passive aggressive hateful to me. It takes 4 yrs for body to recover from gastric bypass. I paid rent. was 53 y.o. I dealt w/homcide investigators private ins investigators-being accused of murder. I am btr hang in there!
At 10:39pm on September 10, 2010, BARBARA K. FELLER said…
Oh, tracey, My heart aches for you. I too do know what u r experiencing. I am a young/youngish widow. My husband & I met at our federal govt. job-SSA. I was 34 y.o. & he was 43. He'd been married before 2 times-bad marriages. From 1st marriage 2 children Kevin, who was disabled w/Chrons disease & Jill. Kevin had mental problems on top of his disability. I loved those kids like they were my own. Kevin died of accidental o/d in 1999. We went through so much together. I worked in 3 sick, toxic bldgs-full of mold/mildew which ruined my health,. We made the decision not to have children but I p hysically could have them. I had an abortion. Stuie said it would kill him if he had another disabled child. My niece ended up also having Chrons disease. My husband was so wonderful. He was the perfect husband, I kid u not. We always treasured each other, supported each other, had 'each other's back'. Jill, my step dtr ostracized Stuie. Financial pressure-having 2 mortgages-1 coming up w/adjustable APR. We begged his very rich family-uncle worth 50 million dollars, all 1st cousins have million dollar trust funds, multiple homes in NYC, long island and s. fl. My husband was sexually abused by his twisted mother and her lesbian? friends who also sexually abused my husband. He made the best of it. I didn't find this out until after we were married some years. We were together almost 20 yrs. He'd gone to therapy for all of that.
Anyway, he cracked up. I got him help-made psychiatrist appt but had to put in mental hosp. He was talking out of his mind. He was so wonderful, sweet, loving, strong, supportive. Brought me flowers, cards, bought me fresh strawberries, roses, lotto tickets, dinners out, sweet things for no reason. And vice versa. We always had each other's back. His rich family uncle wort 50 Million at age 35. 1st cousins million $ trust funds. we only needed total of $192,000 for condo to save it-all from medical bills

more later!
At 1:30am on August 31, 2010, cheli said…
Hello,, i feel as if i should reach out to u .. im not a widow but my boyfriend, my best friend in 97 was taken from me in a motorcycle accd.. That is something i have never recovered from.. I am a very open and honest person that also comes with theropy of many yrs.. im now 27 and every november i go thru a deep deppression..because i am reminded that he is no longer here with me sharing the memories and smiles that we use too.. Tracey another reason i feel like i should reach out to u is because i was suicidal for 12 yrs..that was a battle i didnt think i was going to win..but i did with the lord to carry me away from them over powering thoughts and now i am on medication for my issues.. i just want u to know that i always thought of why it was never carried out .. my plans of easing my pain .. and i know why i have an angel watching over me everyday... i dnt have the answers to y ur husband carried on with his thoughts.. and darlin u may never .. but u have to understand mayb he was going thru something that was too much for himself moreless u..we .. people who think like that or act on it never put to use the people who are here to listen and help us.. but sometimes u get so tired of fighting and u feel like u r never going to win.. im am truely srry for ur loss.. i wish we could have the answers to the questions we will never know!!! i hope this helps out ..
At 12:04pm on August 8, 2010, Kim said…
Tracey,
I am so sorry about your husband. My husband passed away from Cancer on June 1 2010. He was truely my best friend and soulmate so I do know what you are going through. We were married 18 years and together for 20. I know how you feel about living a life without your husband. I wish I had some advice for you, but this is all new to me. I too am so sick of everyone telling me I am young and will find someone else. I DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE!! I want my husband! I can't even begin to imagine a life without him. Anytime you need to talk or vent I will listen. Hugs to you and God Bless!
 
 
 

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