• Female
  • Lexington, KY
  • United States
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At 4:21am on February 1, 2015, J said…

Hi Tracy,

Your post resonated with me because I lost my ‘healthy’ husband to a heart attack (brought on by an underlying heart condition) at age 35 on 10/4/09 and we had been married 1 year. I can tell you that the hurt will get better, but it’s too hard/overwhelming to believe when your grief is so raw.  Let yourself grieve. Be patient. Cry. Surround yourself with people who ‘get it’. There are many online grief support groups (this one and I’m on a few on FB) if you want to talk with other young widows. That support was what helped me the most the first 2 years.

Was there an autopsy to find an underlying cause? My husband had idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy and looking back there were some vague signs but nothing that would make you think there was a major health issue going on.

At 3:59am on February 1, 2015, Jane P. said…

Tracy,  I am so sorry for your loss.  I am 3 years into this and I hate every second of being here but as time passes you begin to adapt.  Our grief  truly is like no other, it puts its grips on us and tries very hard to keep pushing us down.  But as time passes, we learn to adjust, one baby step at a time.  You have come to a wonderful site because we truly understand your pain.  Unfortunately it is grief that brought us all together.   We all try hard to express to you that what you are experiencing is normal, you are not going crazy and it just takes time.  Sending many hugs,  Jane P.

At 12:53am on February 1, 2015, Trina Mamoon said…

Dear Tracy,
It is very unfortunate that you are now a member of this group. Loss and bereavement bring us all together here, and that's why we folks on this forum can relate to grief and pain. I am very sorry for your loss. Your soulmate was too young to die. It's just not fair!
I agree with what Terry Kent writes here: allow yourself to grieve and take one day at a time. There is no other better way.
I lost my beloved husband to lung cancer this past August. He was 49 years old. It'll be 6 months on February 4th since he passed. And if you ask me how I survived all these months, my answer is I don't know. I just did. When Joseph took his last breath, my life as I knew it ended. Every single day and several times a day I pray to join him as soon as possible. I plead with God to spare me this existence and take me up. In spite of the unspeakable pain, the irreparable loss, and the deep hurt within, somehow I still go on. Life just goes on, and that's how it has been for me these past few months. I cannot bear the thought that I will go on living, perhaps for many more years, but the love of my life is no more. How cruel and unjust is that? How senseless?
The death of a loved one is difficult to bear, but Tracy, please hang in there, and take one day at a time.
My deepest condolences to you and prayers for your peace.
In sympathy, Trina

At 12:10am on February 1, 2015, Terry Kent said…

Sorry babble was so long it got cut off!  Even if it's just letting someone go to the store for you, or come sit and talk for a short time, or take a walk---you will find that accepting the right help will feel ok.  Please continue here and reach out as often as you need to, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  With a hug, Terry

At 12:05am on February 1, 2015, Terry Kent said…

Hi Tracy:  I am so sorry for your loss.  You have every right to questioning everything.  I think the biggest little word in the world is "WHY".  There is nothing anyone can say that will make your hurt any better.  Just allow yourself to grieve.    You don't have to answer to anyone, just take a moment at a time, a day at a time, and do whatever feels right for you at that moment.  I lost my husband a year ago in a sudden and tragic industrial accident, and it seems weird to be saying "a year ago" already.  I feel like it was just yesterday I found this site and was posting my feelings, trying to figure out how and why something like this could happen to a young healthy person.  My husband was 51.  I remember hearing back from other spouses who had been part of this site for a year or so, and thought "wow, how do you get thru a year?"  I don't even know how to answer that, but I guess it's just one day at a time.  It feels like time has been standing still for me, I've gone through the panic of the tragedy itself, and since then have had a really hard time believing it to be real.  You always get these moments where you are working or doing something and it just comes right back and you think "how could this even happen?"  But somehow we have to find the strength to keep going, even though you are going through all these emotions.  I had, and still have, a difficult time allowing myself to or even thinking about doing something I enjoy.  I feel guilty--like it's not fair and I don't want to have any fun, laugh, or even like something without my husband here to share it with.  But what keeps me going the most each day is the very thought that my husband would be strong enough to keep going if things were opposite, and he valued life so much and would not want to see me waste mine away because the time we have here is so precious.  It's so hard--a double edge sword--because our time here is precious and when you find that person you want to spend it with--your soul mate--trying to even think about facing the fact that you have to now figure out how to do it without him is just impossible.  So just take one day at a time, don't make hasty decisions, and seek out whatever help and support feels right for you--a good listener, friend, therapist, church group, etc.  We would be celebrating our 25th anniversary this year.  I still shake my head in disbelief that somehow I have to keep living without him, but for some unexplainable reason that's what we have to do.  I really feel your pain and I am so sorry you are here on this site.  But the fact that you are here is a good sign because you are searching for ways to cope and try to deal with the shock you've been thru.  There are many wonderful people here who share a common bond of loss, and you will find comfort in that.  I hope you allow yourself the time to grieve, I'm still there myself a  year later, and remember to take care of you and what feels right for you.  Take all the advice you are given with a grain of salt--no one has the right answer and you definitely want to allow yourself to go through this process of grieving your way--even if you don't know exactly what that is right now.  Friends and family care and try to comfort and help us but sometimes say things that they don't realize aren't always helpful.  Only someone who has experienced this gut-wrenching pain of such a loss can even relate, even though everyone wants to understand.  Those who care about  you want to help--don't shut them out--just allow yourself to have boundaries and don't be afraid to let people know what you need and don't need.  You will find that people who care about you would really like to do something for you--anything--so sometimes allow yourself to ask.  Even if it is running to the store to pick something u


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