Just remember to be kind to yourself - that is probably the most important lessons I have learned through all this. Another important one is life is short and so unpredictable - make time for your loved ones. Life does go on although I couldn't conceive that at the time. Time does help and the memories live forever. I have now forged a relationship with my father but very tentatively - he is seriously ill and will probably not live out the year. I call him everyday even if I don't have anything to say except I love you and I try to get over once a week. The things that he has said and done aren't forgotten but I have decided to move on and relish the time he has left. I still go to mom's grave and talk to her and put little sentimental things on her gravestone. It is all about what makes YOU feel better - don't let anyone tell you how it should be because they haven't walked in your shoes and they don't know what your relationship was - do what feels right. Hang in there - it really does get better - but they will never be forgotten. I recently found a video of my mom on her last visit to my house - it was on Mother's Day - I actually got her laughing and talking - it was a godsend. It made me cry but they were happy tears - what I wouldn't give to answer the phone and hear her say "hey darling". My daughter would give anything to hear her laugh again - so I took the recording to her house on Mother's Day and let her watch it - again tears of joy and tears of sadness. Now I lavish all my attention on my 4 grandkids - couldn't love them anymore if I tried. My mom never got to meet Payton who was born in February - and that breaks my heart - my mom loved her great grandkids but I know she is watching over them as she is watching over all of her loved ones. :) Hugs, Tracy
Tracy, Thank you for the encouragement and the words of wisdom I often need. I want to be strong, but this is a journey that my mind tells me I will be okay, and yet the mind is so creative in it's ability to make you do an entire life review of trust and coping mechanisms. I look forward to hearing from you soon! hugs Belinda
Tracy I am sorry on the loss of your mom. I have lost a child and it is horrific. I worry more about my loved ones now and know it is stupid to liive in any manner that does not give love and support to everyone. i was all involved in my own self pity and now my son is gone and i cannot fix anything for him. love to you carrie L
Tracy, I read your "Missing Mom" entry from christmas 2008. You asked
HOW do I get through this. I would love some words of wisdom from your journey. The decisions you had to make, the strength it took to move your dad, and then to top all you were going through a divorce....My mom passed away December 5 2009. She was 85, and when I last talked to her on Thanksgiving....I never dreamed she would be gone by Christmas.
This story of so many loses, and being one individual I hope you got the love and support you needed somewhere.
My family must have a "long life" history, but between October and Christmas I lost 2 uncles, a mom, and a cousin my age.
I was the middle daughter of seven that my mom raised. She was so special in so many ways, yet of course as life would have it, we sometimes forget all the great contributions she made in my life, whether it was unconditional love, support when my first son was born with a heart defect, (he is 29 now), and he survived 2 Open Heart Surgeries. I cannot remember now her ever saying no to any needs we had as I moved out of her home, and eventually started my home and family.
Now my mom had Alzheimers for over five years, and lived in her own little world, but just knowing that I had a weekly date with her, I was not prepared for the massive stroke she had that Saturday morning.
I can tell by your story that the year of 2008 was an absolute nightmare.
I just feel in my heart, your mom had to be the rock in your life, that taught you how to be strong and make tough decisions, and then when you get almost everything settled...the people who you gave your heart to, dad, husband or best friends, who NOW was going to nurture and love and take care of you. I admire your courage, your ability to allow your mom not to suffer any more physical issues, and I don't even know what her original surgery was for, but that is no decision to make on your own. I have been a nurse for 27 years, and cannot even imagine having to face that decision. Living wills, could she get better, what will dad do, not to mention how am I to function when your life and heart just want to burst with sorrow and loss. I hope you can give me some words of wisdom about your journey, because when my cousin died about ten days after mom, I have a lot to work through. It has been three months now, and the ache in my heart and mind cannot believe I will never forget the memories, or guilt trips, or worrying about my sisters and dad, if God will give me the strength to stop all this grief. I know God will give me the strength, my mom taught me and lived by her faith.
You keep thinking if I could, I would of gotten on my knees a lot more, and appreciated and gave thanks that she was a giver not a taker.
Please take care, and know that you are a heroe. The courage it took to make it an entire year, after the year 2008, I know that you may be a mentor to the ones that are just loosing their mom....
Take care, Belinda