Billinda
  • 68, Female
  • Oklahoma
  • United States
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This is my favorite picture of my Mom on her 65th Birthday....13 years before she died suddenly at the age of 78. Her name was Carmen and she was from Puerto Rico.....which makes me half-Puerto Rican. Yes, she is a distant cousin to that other recently "famous" person of a high government appointment from Puerto Rico, who looks remarkably like Mom at the age of 55! They never met, and have quite different political views, but I am certain Mom looked down from heaven, and was so proud of her cousin's success, and I only wish she'd been here to be in attendance for such a grand event for a family member....even if a 3rd cousin! Delete Comment

Billinda's Blog

One Year Tomorrow and the Journey is Still Long, Narrow & Missing a Friend

Posted on February 21, 2010 at 9:24pm 0 Comments

Mom passed one year ago tomorrow at 1:02 p.m. To say it's been a difficult year would be an understatement! I never realized what a journey this was, and how personal at that, it would be! I know it is not over....the journey of grief, that is....but am hoping that I am at least turning a milestone down this long a very narrow path....made for only one....me!

One of my brothers, Tommy, helped me put a Memorial in today's Sunday paper recognizing… Continue

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At 9:09am on May 4, 2010, Billinda said…

Hi Belinda, How are you today? Losing your Mom is so recent, please don't be too hard on yourself, and expect too much...too soon! I can't even begin to count the bad and challenging days I've had in the past year! I will have to say, that passing the one year mark, did seem to help somewhat. How are your siblings? Are they supportive, or do they expect you to grieve as they do? Are you the oldest or were you the caregiver of your Mom?

You're right, losing the first parent is the worst...especially, if they were your same sex parent. I don't know if you were on here a couple months ago, but one wonderful, kind and honest woman that had just lost her Mom put it best: (I'll try to paraphrase.) Ever since Mom died, and I've had friends parents or constitutents' family die, I always send a sympathy card, because I know now just how much those mean to the family that has lost a loved one, and I've always done that. But, lately, since losing Mom, everytime I go to sign one of those nice poetic and sympathetic cards on the inside.....I just want to write in big letters across the side: "IT SUCKS!"
That was exactly how I felt, and someone had the nerve to put it into words! There is no way anyone knows what we suffer and endure until they have to experience the loss themselves! They might not understand now, but sadly enough, they will someday, and yes, it does suck!

When my mother-in-law died 7 years ago suddenly from sepsis from a botched-up knee replacement, our 4 year old granddaughter at the time stayed with us in the day while her parents worked. After Grandma's funeral she wanted more explanation. As I was taking her home the day after the funeral we got in the car, and I noticed she was watching the clouds. I asked her what she saw. She said, "You mean Great MeMe is up there in Heaven in the clouds with God right now?" I said, "Yes, dear, and she is so happy to be with Great PaPa." Then, she replied, "And we can't even go up there in our airplane and visit her or call her on the phone?" Hesitantly, I replied, "That's right, dear!" Her reply, "That sucks!" At first I gasped, and nearly had another heart attack, and then I thought for a minute and replied, "You know, you're right!" (Out of the mouths of babes!)

Belinda, try to have a good day, and if you want my private email, I'd be happy to give it to you. Just let me know.

This pic I'm attaching is of both our Canine Children at Xmas, Sissy & LuLu!
Take care and know you are in my prayers!
Love & hugs!
Billinda
At 11:08pm on May 3, 2010, Belinda Rhodes said…
Thank you so much, let me tell you today was a challenge, and words cannot express how I appreciate this group!
xoxo,
the other Belinda
peace and prayers for you....I love Lulu, keep sending her pictures
At 11:31pm on April 19, 2010, Belinda Rhodes said…
Billinda,
I love your name, I am a Belinda, that is the first time I saw that spelling. I have yet met my first anniversary of loosing my mom....She passed away on the 5th of December, and at the age of 54, this is my first lost of a parent, or any sibblings. I never dreamed the journey of grieving would be so hard. I know that she will always a part of my heart and soul, but mentally I do the life review, was I as good to her as she was for me. My mood is unpredictable, and yet this is so real. I think the picture of that beautiful dog, caught my eye. I truly hate to give up anything I love, but there are so many life lessons I learned from having dogs for my 3 sons over the past 25 years, and I wish as a human being, I would stop judging others for not wanting to hear my loss story anymore, and yet an animal is always there to comfort you, when your sad, lonely or afraid. I thank God for this group, because I feel like I can talk, share and communicate, as others seem to abandon me when I need them the most. Please know I pray every night for this group, and it has been a support, no matter what I feel or don't feel. I hope you can offer some advice, or lessons learned...as I know I have a first anniversary to prepare for come December 2010!!!! Thank you for sharing, and take care of yourself, but I have felt so blessed by finding this web site, to journal, discuss, or just listen....Blessing to you and your family!
At 9:30pm on February 21, 2010, Billinda said…
Thank you, Barb, you are my blessed "God Moment" of today! And yes, after hearing your story, am so thankful to have my Dad still with me through this journey! You, your loss, and your story have given me something to be thankful for today! I need that!!
Hugs!
Linda
At 8:09pm on February 21, 2010, BarbP said…
Linda,
Thank you so much for your message of support. You will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I'm sure it won't be an easy day for you or your Dad. God bless both of you on this sad anniversary, give you strength and bring you comfort. You will never know how your empathy has helped me today, it's the God moments, like your message, that are helping me to survive the grief, along with the love of my children.
Look not at the loss of your Mom, but that you have been blessed with having your Dad still with you to walk through the valley together. Hugs back to you, Barb
At 11:59am on February 20, 2010, Billinda said…
Hi Andrea,
Amazing that you would say that! (Mom will be gone one year on Monday (22nd),and this has been just as difficult...maybe more so...than the month was last year when losing her. I kept searching avenues that would bring me inspiration or pleasure and help me just get through the day sometimes. Then, my aunt suggested I follow-through with doing the family ancestry since I love history and research from my teaching days!) That is exactly what I have been doing for the past month. I have joined Ancestry.com, and have been trying to find out more about her heritage, and where she came from, and not only has it been enthralling, it has been exciting and informative, while at the same time in some strange way, helped me "Move-Ahead" in the grieving process. Mom didn't know much about her family, or where she came from, and always wanted it. It was something I promised her when she was sick that I would do someday, and in doing so, I have started to fulfill a promise and at the same time under stand more about Mom and not only where she came from, but why she was the person she came to be! She was strong and she was a fighter! I now know she had to be to survive, and get to the place in life shere she wanted to be! I've garnered also a newfound respect for that "fight," and find that "tenacious spirit" I have comes from her, and I now have a newfound respect and appreciation for that.....for that makes me who I am and that is also the inspiration that will get me through this journey called grief! Thanks for caring! Con Mucho Carino, Linda! :)
P.S. Thought you'd find it "ironical" that the day I joined Ancestry was the first day Puerto Rico and all of it records went on line. Chance? I doub it! :)
At 5:09am on February 19, 2010, ANDREA said…
Well as you mentioned, your Mom was watching from Heaven & certainly was proud.

I dont know how much you actually know or appreciate
you new found heritage. But maybe if you took time out to learn more about your Moms love of her Heritage and yours as well, it might make you feel even
more connected to Mom, since she is in heaven. Im sure she would be Proud! Con Mucho Carino, Andrea
At 12:54am on January 24, 2010, tammy murphy said…
IF YOU NEED A SHOULDER TO REST ON I'M HERE FOR YOU.TALKING MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS. FAITHFULLY YOURS TAMMY
At 9:11am on January 21, 2010, TLK said…
You spoke my mind - I am the youngest out of five sisters - one who passed on when she was 19 years old and I was 16. And my Father - who passed on 3 years ago. The grief I went through then is in no comparison to the recent loss of my Mother/Friend. I am trying to relearn the NEW me and with the lack of understanding from my sisters and other family and friends at times - my days are constantly draining. I am slowly eliminating the unhealthy support from my life - distance is always good when the end result is a Healthier you!
At 12:42pm on January 20, 2010, JunePeony said…
Thanks again Linda for your comments the other day. It helps to know I'm not alone. My sister is coming over to see my father tonight. (It's the family home so I unfortunately have no say about that). Unfortunately she can be very manic and the last time she was here during Mom's funeral arrangements she was wound up very tight. She stayed overnight for 5 nights in a row without anyone inviting her and she refused to leave. The day before she left she started yelling at me "You knew Mom was going to die, didn't you!" "You knew she was going to die!" It's been a rocky road with my sister and Mom. Mom and I tried to get my sister help over the years. We went with her to doctors but she was always in denial about her behaviour. Mom finally at the end for the sake of her own health had to limit my sister's visits. Now Mom is gone and there is no one to do that as Dad says she is 'family' and she should be allowed to visit. I am dreading her visit tonight. I do not feel like going out so I guess I will just have to deal with it. But I do not even want to talk to her right now but she forces the issue. I have left myself in a vulnerable position economically so I have to take responsibility for that. On the other hand I am glad that I took time to care for Mom because on my list of priorities she was most important. I am grateful that I spent time with her. I loved every minute of it and I told her so. She was my sunshine. I hope you get this message and will leave my email also: junepeony@gmail.com
Lisa
 
 
 

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