Although I haven't read much of the things on this website, from what I have some things are a little helpfull. Its still very hard finding help, or people to talk to about my situation because not everyone knows how I feel or what I'm going through. Losing your mom at 19 isn't easy, and not knowing your mother like your suppose isn't easy either. My mom and dad split up when I was only 9 years old, so for the last 10 years I've lived with my dad, who is my best friend. My mom pushed me outta her life for basically all of my life, and I couldn't tell you why. She was an alcoholic, and she suffered from alcoholism for most of her life.
I can't understand why someone would drank there life away when they have 4 wonderful daughters that need there mother in there life. I sit here and wonder how my life would be if she would of lived for her kids and not alcohol. I never got the chance to know my mom. Yeah I knew her when I was younger, but not keeping in touch with someone for 10 years, you tend to forget who they are, and what there like. I go to my moms grave A LOT. I definately put a lot of pain in my heart over her, because I still can't seem to forgive her. Everyone tells me to forgive her for me, but what good is that going to do now? She already gone. When I think about how I grew up, I am thankful for having my dad there for me. And his girlfriend Beth. Not having my REAL mom was hard, but having Beth in my life kind of made up for it. I say kinda because it still is a little different because there is somethings a girl just wishes for her real mom. But Beth is the best thing to a mom that I've EVER had, and I am so thankful for her. When her and my dad got together, I did have some moments with her, but I was little and still wishing that my mom would come home.
Beth was there for me through EVERYTHING!! Just like my dad. And althought she's a "step" parent, in my eyes she's the real thing!
I like writing how I feel down on paper, or just typing it. Some times I wish that I could go to my moms grave and tell her that I can't forgive her because she hurt me. She hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my whole life, and this pain is an ongoing pain, and it will be there for the rest of my life... I just wish there was someway I could just take it away, and really forgive her. But from all the pain she's caused me, I still can't forgive her. Am I wrong???