Dear Ivonee Thank you so much for your advice, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, for me it dose not seem real. I no a year is not long either, how did you get by. My prayers are with you, I am lost for words. The only time i can think is at night when I am by myself, it is so hard to write what you really want to say. thank again. Donna
Ivonne - thank you for contacting me - I feel like I am never going to be the same - that I will never get through this loss - I love her so much and she loved me - she told me that in her letter - said it was just all too hard and she couldn't go on...I thought I was doing somewhat better - crying in private and able to concentrate some, but yesterday - I had a major meltdown - I know that she made this choice, but can barely deal with how her soon to be ex-husband had treated her - she was a bright light and he killed that light and took all that she had...I am sorry for all of us on this website - in the past, I have always felt sorry for anyone who has lost a child, but until you go through it, you never know what it is like.
Ivonne - thank you for your support - I know that I will never get over this - just as I know that my life changed forever the moment she left me...I am trying to take this one day at a time - but even one day of the loss is overpowering...
Ivonne, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that I haven't read your story. I'm working a lot of overtime and get little time with the group these days. In answer to your questions about losing faith, I think about how Moses' arms grew weak and how Aaron and Hur held his arms up so that his hands remained steady till sunset. None of us who walk this road are able to do it alone. We all have our moments,hours,days,weeks...of doubt or anger at God for allowing our children to die. That's why we pray for each other and lift each other up when they are unsteady or waivering. I can promise you that there are many people lifting you up in prayer right now. People who know the pain you feel. I believe the Lord will give you all the space you need but just know that He's right there to hold you and to carry you through this dark valley. This is my 2nd time through the valley from losing a child and He is faithful and true to His Word, and He has planted pray'ers around you to help along. You are in my prayers. Kathy
my heart aches as i see you are in this pain and anger i know the feeling. ivonne this is ok to feel this way, Losing Jasmin is still so new! you can be angry and sad and you are aloud to question God that is ok he knows we are only human and expects our emotions to get int he way, he will never leave you no matter how mad you are at him, if you loved him once he knows you love him and you will be back. Ivonne who cares about hte stupid fight you guys had, do you think Jasmin is still mad at you ? of course not she probably is heaven not even remembeering what your talking about, she loves you. I swore i would be different with my daughter after my son died and not yell when i discipline, ha ha ha that lasted all of about 5 minutes, thats what we do we are parents and fight with our kids when we dont like what they are doing or want more for them, she knows you love her and thats why it happened. also Roberto holds you and does not speak most likely because what can he possibly say to comfort you? i know nothing anyone says comforts me when i am upset, you know there is nothing that can be said, he is hurting too. maybe you guys can write to eachother on here about your feelings. write him a message and then he can write you back this way it may be easier then face to face. Jasmin is watching you, she does not want you upset she does not want you to push God away she wants you to meet her one day in heaven so she can hug and kiss you and live in eternity together. When it is your time. You nee dto read the book by William Young called The Shack, oh my God amazing. its not religious or anything it is his story of what happened when his 6 year old daughter was kid napped while camping. Your in my thoughts, and i know God has not left you he waits for you with open arms. curse him yell at him and question him it doesnt make him love you any less. Would you loe Jasmin any less if she was mad at you? no you would wait for her to come back, that is how God feels for you, he loves you. take care of yourself and get that book it will help you even if for a day of peace.
I joined this group hoping I might have something to help you. I've not found any of your previous posts so I apologize if something is not appropriate for your situation.
I think I've been dealing with many of the same emotions you are for over 45 years. Mine are the result of abuse, from outside my family, when I was a small child. Because your trauma occurred as an adult, it will not become as incorporated into your being and personality as mine has. Because of this, you should be able to overcome the effects of your trauma better than I have, but it will take work. I've been able to put my problems aside for long periods of time, many years, but they come back. You will have ups and downs but the progress you make will be retained, the lows getting progressively milder and the highs better.
I saw one suggestion I liked very much; keep a log of how you're doing. In time you will be able to see you are making progress. If you make it detailed enough, generally what is happening in your life and how you feel, you will be able to look back and see what made things better or worse. You can find ways to deal with what is not helpful, and do more of what is helpful. It's very simple and straightforward. Get a book today, keep it with you, and write in it every day, even if you only write the date, time and a good or bad day.
The things that have helped me the most were major changes in lifestyle, going to collage, my first job, and new relationships. By relationships I mean new friends or relating to old friends in a new way. Your husband needs help too, but expresses it differently. I don't know what your relationship was like before or now, so I may be saying things you've tried. Try to understand he may not know what to do for you; anything you can tell him, will help him help you. You can encourage him to talk about his feelings or what he needs or wants form you.
You need to make sure you have time together intended for something fun. At first it may be difficult to have fun, but you will become accustom to setting the sadness aside for a short while. Try changing the relationship with your husband, pretend you are dating, each of you wanting to earn the affection of the other. Formally arrange dates, set days and times to meet up and do something, dress to impress, dinner, a movie, miniature golf, get each other small gifts and surprises, anything that is a little new or different. You can go as far as sleeping in separate beds so getting to together is a special thing, complete with new lingerie or toys. You may feel that you can't do some of these now, that's OK. Start small and work up. It's OK if your first attempts don't go well, keep trying.
When I was in high school, I got to know one of my teacher's family. I didn't know it at the time; they had just moved to town and had no relatives or old friends near. As a result I became in some ways a member of their family. Theirs was by far the most loving family I've ever known. Years latter I realized that I learned how to love from their example and owe them a tremendous debt of gratitude. One day my problems got the better of me and for no reason started feeling that I did not deserve to be with the family and stopped visiting. They had one doughtier, Cindy and two sons 10 and 12 years younger. Cindy was very sweat, my age and the prettiest girl in the class. We were in many classes together including the one taught by her father. Like a sister, I was never interested in dating her, but liked her and we saw each other often in the remaining 2 years of high school.
Two years after graduation when I was in collage, Cindy suddenly died from complications of kidney stone surgery as her mother watched. I'd not seen any of them after graduation, and knew I had to go to them. It was midterms, I was in a difficult engineering program and could only spare one evening. Travel times meant I would have less than an hour to spend with them. When I got there I was greeted with all the love and affection of being a family member. They were doing well at the viewing. All to soon I had to leave. The hectic pace of collage life soon crowded them from my thoughts. Years latter I learned their love did not survive Cindy's loss, divorced and moved away. Because of my unique position, coming from outside, I was able to see and understand some of the dynamics of the family that no one else did. If I had known they were having problems I could have easily spent a lot of time with them a few months after her death. I may have been able to make a difference. Surprisingly my age was positive factor, her mom clearly associated me positively with Cindy. In light of Cindy's younger brothers I now question how important those midterms were.
The point of the story is that the people who knew you before are the most likely to be able to give you the precise things you need. The support groups provide invaluable support but you need both and nether can help you if they don't know you need help. You're doing the write things with the support group. But you need to make a big, scary effort to reach out and let friends and acquaintances know.
Be explicit, tell them one on one you need help and ask if they could spend, 5 hours on Saturday, or two hours twice a week with you. Whatever it is you think might help. A few people will not want to, most will be busy, finding time will be difficult. The people who are worth having as friends will be supportive and honest telling you what they can and can't do. They will not resent your asking. Keep trying different people until you find some real help. Like Cindy's family, help can come from places you would not expect, but it will not come if they don't know you need and want help.
One more thing, forgiveness is a big thing in religion, but it is not only a religious concept. It is one way all of us can get past our regrets. You can forgive yourself. In the end, anything that helps will be because you allow yourself to be helped, no matter what it is or were it comes from. You have it within yourself to accept what has happened, you only need help finding it.
Please tell me if you do or do not find my point of view interesting.
I want My Son back Too.... That is All that I seem to ask for on a daily basis and the only thing that I now I will Never have again at least here on Earth. It is 3:30 am and I can't sleep. I went through the Guilt stage too. What if's - All of it... Don't be so hard ofn yourself though because just like me You had No Crystal Ball - If "We" had a Crystal Ball our Chilren would be Alive and Well. That is what helped me through that. My Son was 20 just the last time I saw him (He was killed on his 21st Birthday) He asked me to rake him out drinking for his Birthday but I had to work on Monday morning and I am really not a drinker anyways so I said no. Did I regret My desision - Oh Yeah!! Do I now of course yes but I am done Blaming Myself. I would have Never kicked My Son out Anywhere. There is proof of that in our history :-) I know you said that you fought that night but don't we all have disagreements with our children?? I think what I am mostly trying to say is Don't Blame Yourself. You Did Not nor Would Not do this to Your Child - No Way - No How so you need to start Grieving without Guilt. Keep telling yourself this IS NOT your fault and if you would have known it would have Never Happened. Big Hugs to You!!
We lost our 30 year old son Chris in a car accident in 2006,its been 4 years but seems like yesterday.we never get over the loss of a child we just learn to live with the pain and grief.My faith in God is what keeps me going,He is my strength,even when Im angry and yell at Him,I know He is standing there with his hands stretched out waiting for me to reach out to Him.God never leaves us we push Him away.One thing that has helped me was something a friend said who is an ordained minister.she said that maybe Chris had done what God had put him on this earth to do,then called him home. Its alright to feel angry at God,He understands,and he will never forsake you.Under His wings you will find refuge( proverbs 3)
im so sorry i probably said too much, sometimes i have a tendency to go on and on once i start. i shouldnt have given so much detail, especially knowing your situation. i heard you went to john edward i hope that helped a little. thinking of you
your husband had sent a picture of Jasmin, how beautiful she is, really i was telling him how Jasmin, even thru picture gives off such a friendly feel. i want to pinch her cheeks, ha ha. My son Philip is such a great child, im not just saying cause he was my son but he has the heart of gold, i do speak as if he is still here because if i say did have a heart or was a good child then that means he doesnt anymore. anyway, He actually would have turned 14 this past Jan 18. Me and him were best friends, he is my heart, we use to run around the house and kid that we were gonna beat eachother up, i would get a hold of him and he would just laugh and laugh, i can still hear his laugh, he would always tell all his friends he was a mammas boy, he didnt care to express his love for me or for his at the time 3 yr old sister, when i had the kids 10 years apart i thought there was no way he would bother with her, he is 10 and a boy and im bringing home a baby! well was i ever wrong, they were so close, every morning Emily would go lay w Philip to wake him up fr school, they would play wrestle, play in pool, play outside, lay and watch movies together, then she would lay w him at night and he always use to say can she sleep w me tonight so i can cuddle w her and i would say no all the time, God how i wish i let them stay together now, i found a story Philip had wrote in school last year and it was all about Emily and how much joy and laughter she brings to his life, Philip went to florida the end of August 2009 w his friend, he came back and begged me if he could go upstate ny to visit his cousins one more time before school started, i kept saying no, i was yelling at him that he just got back from florida why does he have to go to ny now, we went bowling sept 1, me him and emily, Philip loved bowling and he was teaching emily. Sept 2, it was a late wednesday night i agreed to meet his uncle half way for him to pick him up to stay up in ny till saturday then i would get him saturday. I met them at a rest area on the garden state parkway i got out of the car, emily was sleeping, philip got out of our car and my uncle and his son got out of their car, we said our goodbyes, gave Philip a hug and kiss and told him i loved him, as i always do, i remember it so clearly. that was the last time i saw my baby alive. Friday around midnight going into saturday Philips uncle lost control of his car it spun out of control and flew off the road and hit a tree exactly where philip was, he died instantly. i was in nj Philip was in ny, i was woken up at 1am saturday morning sept 5, 2009 to be told my baby was dead. and then i had to drive 2 1/2 hours to get to him, i didnt change out of my pajamas i didnt brush my teeth i took an ativan, grabbed my pocketbook and left, praying the whole time it wasnt him! i knew it was but hoping for a miracle. The uncle and his son lived, i got to the hospital they brought Philip to and they told me i would have to wait to go to the morgue and see him, it was 330 am when i got there, they wanted me to wait till 8!!! after my explosion they gave me the coroner cell number and she agreed to come immediately. I saw my baby in the morgue, i wont get into details but they would only let me see his right side anyway. Sorry for going on and on, anyway my son was very kind, the monmouth and ocean county food bank named an award after him called the Philip N Connelly spirit of giving award, foreve it will be called that because Philip like to give to others, he donated money he got for xmas to the foodbank. Everyone who knew him called him smiley, he was so happy all the time. I dont know why this happened, it was human error that took my son but i pray god is taking good care of him, we will not know until we cross over why this happened to us.I wish you a day with a light heart i know the force on my chest at times feels like an elephant and you are probably the same, take it slow and remember you are never alone, i cant promise much, i cant promise you will feel better one day and i cant promise this will never happen again to either of us but i can promise you are not alone.
keep in touch