Jeanette, I am so sorry for your loss and I am sorry you have to join us on the roller coaster ride called grief.  I lost my husband 15 months ago and I hate every second of being here without him but I am so I needed to find a new normal and sometimes it is so very hard.  Your feelings are normal you are numb and in disbelief in your grief.  The loss of a spouse is like no other so take your time it truly is a baby step process where there are NO timeframes in which you must follow.  We are all grieving and in different stages of grief, so come here often even if is to read posts.  Sending many hugs, Jane P.