Dear Paula, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  So sudden and shocking for you, I'm sure.  I lost a son over a year ago to a mental illness and ultimately death by suicide, so my loss is somewhat different; however, I can identify with some of the issues you must be experiencing right now... the suddenness and untimeliness, that is was unnatural death and self inflicted, leading to rejection or abandonment issues, guilt, or other emotions.  I hope you are finding many supports to help you through this time.  I found help through local Hospice organizations, and attend their grief recovery support groups.  I also got counseling and started on some meds to help regulate my emotions.  I experienced a crisis of faith and belief after Charles' death, but many find strength and support by means of that avenue.  I am still working through my conflicts regarding that area, though I still love God.  I just am confused about the way things are.  I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.  Gentle hugs.  Teri