Dear Sharon....
Peace be with you. You are only just begining, and that is truly the hardest part of this journey. As I write this I AM praying for you and your family.
A friend of mine lost her son about 9 months after I did. She requested me to come to the funeral, through several people we both knew. I didn't know if I should go, because of my wound being so new. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. But I went... because I knew she would need someone that "knew" how she felt. For some reason I thought I could help. When I arrived I could hear her inside sobbing so deeply, from all the way in the parking lot. I ached for her, and I felt so sick inside. When I saw her she said..."Oh Leslie how can you bear it, how do you get through". I just held her as she cried and said , "I don't know, I really don't know".
Every single day I felt like I was dying. God gives us that "numb" feeling for awhile. But as slowly as it wears off, the deeper it gets. It starts out like a burning in the pit of your tummy, and becomes so large and enormous; you feel it may swallow you whole. But it won't. And we do get through. I feel like someday's I won't...but, here I am in the morning, with another new day to deal with.
Find friends and family members that will let you talk about your son. I love talking about my son. He was here, and he is alive...just not in this rhelm.
Every memory I have are good ones. (They wern't always good, my son was human, and he made mistakes) but they are all good memories to me now. Every one of them.
I know you have many questions about his passing. You may not find all the awnsers that your looking for. Try the best you can, not to let guilt get ahold of you. I thought and questioned myself over and over again; I should've done it, (my parenting) like this or that. Or I all the things I wish I hadn't done. As a Mother... of course we are going to question ourselves now. But I was driving myself insane, until I thought about in the Bible it says..."Our time was set from the begining". This is the only thing that gave me peace in my spirit concerning the guilt I was feeling. God Bless you Sharon... You are in my prayers. ...........Leslie

P.S. What is your sons name? If you don't mind me asking. My son's name was Jordan.