Jennifer's Blog (17)

Ghost

After 7 years and what still feels like a long road my dad dropped new information on me today about my brothers death. He let me know that he had his eyes roll back to white while conscious 2 days before he had his seizure . 2 days later he died from seizure. He didn't take him to the hospital the first time. He is now telling me this 7 years later. Neither of my parents told me about this . I could have maybe helped. While I know there is no turning back I feel so many strong emotions…

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Added by Jennifer on June 11, 2019 at 10:55pm — No Comments

Christmas time is the worst

6th Christmas without Mike.all mo the every December I'm just on a rollercoaster of emotions.my brother has been visiting my 2 year old daughter. It's incredible and heart warming. Always miss Mike.

Added by Jennifer on December 22, 2018 at 10:05pm — No Comments

6 Years- Still So Hard

Well last month was the 6 year passing anniversary of my brother Mike.  I've  learned a lot about grief on this journey. I do know for sure that time really has not made any of this any better.  It may have been 6 years, but the pain on some days is so Raw and so real it still takes me a minute to ground myself and be okay.  I quoted on Feb 10/2018 "that my love for you lives in my grief for you" I think is true for me.  Overall I am still so grateful for having mike in my life for 32…

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Added by Jennifer on March 21, 2018 at 9:08am — No Comments

Coming up 5 years

Well next month it will be 5 years since my brother passed away from alcoholism at 32 years old.  It feels crazy that amount time has passed... I think I may have been living in a bubble the first 2 or 3 years just managing daily life and trying to get through.  Other people share that it gets easier ..... I cant say I agree.  Although I moved on with life and have a great life, it has not remotely made a difference in the amount of pain I feel, or the fact that he inst coming back.  It…

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Added by Jennifer on January 24, 2017 at 8:31pm — No Comments

4 years and counting. When does it get easier??

Tomorrow marks 4 years since my 32 yr old brother passed away from alcoholism. I vividy recall some days especially around now his body that day.. its etched in my mind.  I have lived a full life and carried on. My heart and soul have not been so fast. 4 years and the pain is still like yesterday .  I miss him so much. What is killing me is that while my family gathers tomorrow my other sibling always chooses to not take part in any family gatherings. He makes excuses to not come. It breaks…

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Added by Jennifer on February 9, 2016 at 10:16pm — No Comments

W

Well this is my 3rd Christmas now without my brother. have to say that its no way easier than the 1st. it is so clear that he is missing. I miss him do much. Life goes on, but the loss is real like yesterday. This time of year sucks. For all of you out there feeling the way I do I send light your way.

Added by Jennifer on December 21, 2014 at 9:28pm — No Comments

Time sort of flies

Well been almost 22 months and I don't feel like much has changed in my way of grief.  My parents are still crippled and i find it really hard to get near acceptance.  I guess we don't get over death.  With xmas here soon It breaks my heart. I'm not sure i will ever enjoy xmas the same for many years to come. I know that my brother would want me to live life to the max and move on. Im gonna do my best to do that one day at a time

Added by Jennifer on December 3, 2013 at 12:10pm — No Comments

Loss

im sorry to hear of all the loss this week on this site. My heart goes out to all of you.  It has been 18 months now and I am still struggling.. the other stages are normal, but acceptance i am still far away from.  I pray that it gets easier like people say.  It is all so bloody hard to process. I guess just accepting that it never does go away is the first step

Added by Jennifer on September 16, 2013 at 11:55am — No Comments

16 Months

Wow its been awhile. 16 months now since my brother passed away. I suppose on a daily basis it is easier, but overall my grief is so strong and present. I find it hard to accept that I will not see him again until I pass too. Time doesn't seem to make a big difference where the heart and grief are concerned. I miss him everyday and would give anything to have him back. Some people told me 16 months ago I would never be the same. I am not and probably wont be. The bubble i was living in…

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Added by Jennifer on August 1, 2013 at 12:03pm — No Comments

First Christmas without my Brother

Monday its been 10 months since my brother passed away from Alcoholims. He had just turned 32.  The process of grief has been so hard and overwhelming. Ive always been emotional and spiritual.  Some days its feels like days ago that this happened.  I still drive by his old apt and just sit there staring in like i may find something. With xmas around the corner I am finding it so hard to want to even deal with this holiday. My last xmas i had to ask my brother to leve as he showed up…

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Added by Jennifer on December 8, 2012 at 9:56am — No Comments

time doesnt seem to help much

been 8 months now and it feels like it just started. i cant get over why and all the other emotions that go with why. It is so hard to accept my brother is never coming back. I miss him so much. Everyday we spoke and the last 8 months just seem like it was yesterday. Time has been frozen since the day he died. I read other posts and people seem to say that over the years it gets easier. Hoe does you EVER let go, or come to acceptance? i feel so much sadness annd aching right now. 

Added by Jennifer on October 17, 2012 at 6:28pm — No Comments

7 months tomorrow

Well its been 7 months tomorrow since my brother Mike died. He just turned 32 a week before his death. It is impossible to believe its been 7 months. I feel like nothing has changed in way of my pain and grief.  I keep thinking this week about the day he died and seeing his body and getting the call. I know that he is at peace and that makes me glad. I also know we are spiritual beings living on earth and leaving is going home. I just cant seem to get past the fact that i wont see hime again…

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Added by Jennifer on September 9, 2012 at 10:15pm — No Comments

Still So broken

Well its been 5.5 months and this past week i cannot seem to find a way out of my pain.  I had a realization that my brother is not coming back. EVER,. I then started to think that if his soul reincarnates then he is gone from me forever and it makes me insane.  My heart is so broken. I miss him so much.  Loggin on here and seeing the pain is the only place that feels like im truly not alone in agony.  I know he is free and not suffering, but i am now.  Still wondering what the meaning of…

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Added by Jennifer on July 25, 2012 at 1:05pm — 2 Comments

130 days later

Well 130 days later and im still struggling so much.  It seems the grief is just so overwhelming. the constant crying and day to day life.  I sure hope time is helpul in moving on. im better than 4 months ago.  I guess ive had a little time to realize this is real and did really happen, but i still feel the unbearable pain i did shortly ago that day i found him.  this site is helpful to read stories and although so tragic, pulling together with perfect strangers is somehow comforting that im…

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Added by Jennifer on June 20, 2012 at 10:25pm — No Comments

In shock again

Well its been 96 days now since mike my brother died. I have been in shock all over again for a week now.  the emotions are so hard to keep up with.  feel like im lost and like life is just meaningless. I have a beautiful 6 year old son and i love him more than words can ever say.  I know i have to get it together, but it is so hard to even want too at this point. Every day i just think about my brother and why this happened.  Life just seems to be so cruel. I cant take time off work and i…

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Added by Jennifer on May 16, 2012 at 3:31pm — 2 Comments

still trying to get thorugh the days

Hey i locked my wrist somehow so cant type much. i just want to thank everyone for your kind comments and advice. i know so many of you are as fresh to this grief as i am, so im not sure how i can offer support quite yet.  Just knowing that people are suffering the same way as me is comforting as awful as that sounds.  Im trying to not drink as much, but still finding my footing. weekends are hard, but during the week im okay most of it anyway.  I feel like i need to totally revamp my life…

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Added by Jennifer on May 3, 2012 at 1:27pm — No Comments

feeling so sad today

Feeling so depressed today.  Ive always been positive and was working on myself before my brother died. I just count the days i havent talked to him. 73.  My father is also an alcoholic and I am trying to help him as i fear his story will end like my brothers eventaully.  It is so hard some days to want to think life will go and be better. It does go on.  Given my family situation I feel like it is time for me to have someone take care of me. ive been the parent in my family since i was a…

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Added by Jennifer on April 23, 2012 at 9:04pm — 2 Comments

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