Q. The mother of a relatively new client of mine just died of a heart attack. I’m a lawyer, and am thinking of sending the condolence note below to the client:

“Janet: So very sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. When the days seem dark, remember to cherish the good memories the two of you created. It will help carry you through the dark. You are in my thoughts and prayers.”

Do you think this note is appropriate?

It’s…

Q. My father is very ill and wants his ashes scattered in a lake near the family summer home when he dies. Are there restrictions on doing so? Who should I contact for specific information? Also, there will be no minister present when the ashes are scattered. Is there a protocol we should follow or particular words that should be said?   

Your questions raise some complicated issues. One is location. Is the lake on private or public property? The owner’s…

Q. I just attended an event where I briefly met a colleague whose 18-year-old daughter died in a drowning accident four years ago. I meant to send a condolence note at the time. But I never did, and I’ve always felt so guilty about it. Is it out of the question to send a note to her now? If it isn’t, what should I write?

I’ve always said it’s never too late…

Q. The 16-year-old son of friends committed suicide a week ago. My wife and I are thinking about inviting them to attend a social event coming up next month and wonder whether that is an appropriate thing to do. Is it too soon after the death, and would it seem as if we don’t recognize the depth of their grief? Or not?

The death of a child is unimaginable agony for the parents. Your children are supposed to outlive you, and the enormity of the loss just…

Q. When my uncle died recently and funeral arrangements had to be made, the funeral director turned out to be a woman. I’d never heard of a female funeral director before. Is this common today?

Times have changed, and women funeral directors are no longer unusual. Neither are female embalmers. In 2010, 57.1% of mortuary science students in the United…

Q. The mother of a friend of mine died and his aunt has hijacked the funeral. She made all the funeral plans on her own. Afterwards she called and told him when and where to show up for the services. The mother had earmarked money to pay for a funeral, so there is no cost to either party. But my friend feels so angry at being left out of all the decisions that he talks about not wanting to attend the funeral. Why would someone hurt him this way at such a sad time? I’m trying to…

Q. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be cremated, but it seems like more and more people insist on it, including my own father. Why has it become so popular?  



I’m on your side. The very thought of cremation gives me the shivers. It’s so final—no chance of coming back. (I know. I know.) Others, however, feel differently. Their worst nightmare is…

Q. I’m going to a graveside funeral for the first time.  Can you tell me what’s involved and why families choose this type of service, rather than a regular funeral at a church or funeral home?  Is there any special etiquette I should know about?



A graveside funeral, which is also known as “direct burial,” is held at the site of the deceased’s grave in the cemetery. …

Q. Is it okay to tell a funny story in a eulogy? I would like to do so at my cousin’s funeral, but I wonder whether people might be offended. What do you think? Are there rules to follow?



A funeral is no time for stand-up comedy. But humor leavened with compassion does have a place on this occasion. The goal is not to entertain, but to share meaning and capture the person your cousin was—in a way likely to elicit chuckles or wistful smiles from those assembled…

Q. When is it a “must” to attend a funeral or a wake, viewing or visitation? I’m confused about how close you have to be to the people involved, and what is and isn’t appropriate. 



I’ve recently received a number of queries on this subject. The questions range from “Is this occasion only for relatives and very close friends? I’d like to attend, but is it okay for a casual friend to show up?” to “I’d rather not attend. Can I make a donation to a charity or send…

Q. One of my business partners just died, and I’d like to run an In Memoriam ad in the newspaper and an industry trade magazine. What is a suitable In Memoriam message? I’ve never written one before.



Few of us have. Yet there are occasions in business or professional life when an In Memoriam ad or notice is appropriate to acknowledge the death of a principal, employee, colleague, customer or client, supplier or consultant and honor his/her memory in…

Q. I am thinking of sending a condolence message to a neighbor I knew decades ago. I just heard that her father passed away last November. If I had known at that time, I would have attended his funeral even though it would have involved a very long car trip to another state. I do have fond memories of this man, who was a kind and caring person. When I knew him I was a teenager and on the school debating team. He was a big fan and cut out articles from the local paper any time…

Q. My aunt died suddenly and was buried in a plot she purchased years ago. Because she had no children, I am now in charge of buying a cemetery stone. What’s the best way to do this and how should I proceed?



Begin by calling the cemetery to find out its rules for markers, headstones, and other options. Size, shape, design, and other requirements vary widely. 



You can buy the stone from a monument retailer and ask friends, neighbors, or relatives for…

Q. My father, who is frail and elderly, wants his body donated to science when he dies. Does that mean there’s no funeral or memorial service? Why do people want to do this?



A. Those who make this choice usually wish to benefit society. The decision is sometimes difficult for survivors to accept, but it’s a matter of carrying out the loved one’s wishes. We hear less about whole body donations than about donations of body parts, but cadavers play a critical role in…

Q. I’m thinking about inviting an old friend, whose mother recently died, to lunch. I haven’t seen this friend in a while and didn’t attend the funeral. Is this an appropriate thing to do? What should I say when I call? This friend often complained about her mother, who was very cold and critical of her.

Yes it is appropriate to invite the bereaved to lunch or dinner (or coffee, for that matter) a few weeks or more after the funeral. By then the calls of…

Q. Why do so many people refuse to prepare funeral and end-of-life instructions while they’re well, instead of saddling next of kin with all the decisions? It’s not morbid to discuss funeral arrangements and end-of-life care.    

Before you take the step of planning for your own death, you have to accept the fact you’re going to die—and you don’t know when. Those are very disturbing thoughts, and there’s a tendency to deny or banish them. Your own…

Q. I work for a small company, and it is up to me to notify employees that a coworker just died. Customers and suppliers who worked closely with him must be told, as well. Is it okay to inform people via email? What should I say? Do I have to include funeral details? 

In large organizations, managers, supervisors, or department heads usually inform employees or associates of the death and follow specific guidelines from Human Resources. Spreading the word…

Q. I’ve been asked to be a pallbearer at a funeral. What exactly is a pallbearer supposed to do? How many are there? And do I have to say yes? Frankly, I’ve only seen pallbearers in movies or on TV.

Pallbearers carry or accompany the casket at a funeral. They are friends, relatives, professional or business associates of the deceased—or sometimes members of the religious congregation. Pallbearers who do not actually carry the coffin are called “honorary…

Q. The father of an acquaintance of mine just died at 98 years of age, and I’m uneasy about what to write in a condolence note. Nobody lives forever. The man had dementia for years. Is there something I can say besides “I’m sorry” in this situation?

People are living much longer these days, and obituary pages are filled with notices for people who died in their nineties or even beyond. I just saw a notice for someone who died at 104. In this case, you…

Q. My cousin just died, leaving his family high and dry. Money management wasn’t one of his talents, and he left no insurance. His wife is disabled, and their son is unemployed. Funeral expenses will more than wipe out what little savings there are. I know it’s incredibly tacky, but I think they should request monetary donations instead of flowers from people to help pay the funeral costs. Is there a tactful way to ask for money? 

There are times when…