Its been 1 month and 8 days now since ive seen and talked to my sister. It still doesnt seem real i guess is how some would put it. Some people say that reality sets in at the wake and funeral, because thats when you say goodbye to your loved one- but i think reality hiits you the weeks, months and years after that. I watch my nephew almost everyday for my bother-in-law and he's called me "mama" a few times, he's only 18 months and i know that me and my sister look alot alike but how would i correct that? How can I explain something so confusing to this precious baby boy. My niece i try and see everyday, she's 3 and will say " I happy in my heart" and "mommy doesnt hurt anymore"- it brings me to tears everytime i hear that princess say that about her mommy. My sister died of a P.E (Pulminary Embolism) i think i spelled that right, while at home with her 2 children... she had been in the hospital from the end of april until after mothers day- got out and had to go right back in for another week. She was born with a hole in her heart and had to take special medications to go to the dentist and be careful while at amusement parks ect. She had been losing weight rapidly for a period of 3 months before she went to the ER and found out she had a very serious bacterial infection in her heart. I remember her saying that she knew she wasnt going to live past 30 and said she just had that feeling, but she believed in the good lord. I didnt and to be honest i still dont understand it, i dont understand how they couldnt do anything to help her! I was watching t.v one night after the funeral and New york med came on and there was a women moaning in the backround and not even 5 minutes later she went into cardiac arrest and they worked on her for 30-35 minutes until they called the T.O.D and she had died of the same thing as my sister- even though im listening to this doctor talk to the camera man and hearing him say " even though she was in the hospital theres nothing more we couldve done for her, a P.E is so quick and deadly that soometimes you have to just accept it as hard as it is". I still cant accept that there was nothing they could do. I just keep telling myself that theres a reason for everything. Maybe she was going to be in the hospital again, or maybe heart breaking news was about to come to her and he took her home so she wouldnt suffer anymore, but its still hard. I have alot of guilt ALOT for not going to her house when i got home because i couldve been with her i couldve told her how much i loved her. I promised her 3 days before she passed that if anything happened to her that i would take great care of her babies and thats what i am trying to do.

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