I'm really trying not to dwell on the up coming Mother's day. My mother died when I was younger and my only child died 09/07/08. My daughter, Amanda, is who made Mother's day good for me. Now, with both my mom and my daughter gone, I just don't want that day to come. This will be my first ma's day without both of my girls. I know I can't stop time from marching on and I want to stay as positive as possible. However, I'm really sad about this. I know I should go to a rest home or something and do something for a mom who is alone. I know all these things, yet my heart wants to scream. I'm starting to see commercials on the news "send in letter why you have the best mom". Oh well. I guess I will get through this one moment at a time. I just hope I can be okay and not give up on life.

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Comment by Karen on May 5, 2009 at 11:02pm
I've found the group that Amanda had us join and march around town in before she died. It is the Jacksonville branch of Coalition of Peace & Justice. I really feel an urge from her to get reinvolved in her place. It will make me feel like her legacy will live on. Her big sign and yell was "I'm not against the soldiers, I'm against the war". Also, "Honor the warrior, not the war!". It may give me a a direction to put my energy into. There is this incredible juxtoposed energy vs. sluggishness thing that goes on. One minute, when you've lost the love of your life and your future (for me it was Amanda, my only child), you get this energy that comes from anger and rage and anxiety and the need to work so that she is never forgotten. My big fear is that I will begin to forget things about her, how she laughed, her facial expression when she called you out on something, things she said that made me laugh, etc. No doubt right now, I'm bracing for my first mother's day without both my mom and my daughter. (Okay...pity party, I know, but go ahead and stab me in my heart!) I want one of those drive safely in memory signs for my daughter. Did you know that you can only have that out for one year? I have this huge emergency feeling/need to make sure that I'm not the only one who really remembers her....not just of her but know her. I hope her boyfriend, Chris will remember her no matter what...They were first loves that lasted for 4 yrs. He's a nice young man and I think they were meant to be together. Wow...This is just wicked awful pain. I'm so mad ---why my only child? I try to embrace the attitude that she and I made an agreement before we were born (yes up in heavenville) to go this life together for some special reason...perhaps to get to a higher realm of heaven. If that is true, Wow, that next level better be beyond belief. And the music....Coldplay's Viva la Vida, Beatles, Across the Universe, Black Birds singing in the dead of night, Let it Be, Redemption Song by Bob Marley and Woman no cry all make me cry, scream, sing, smile, shout and collapse.
Thanks for letting me rant.

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