lost

after battling seeing my love fight for his life for over 3 years from this incidous disease called cancer, i had to say goodbye at the end of march of this year. i beat myself up every day that i wasnt there to be with him, and that my daughter wanted me home for the night. i had been with him every night and day, and one night i wasnt there he slipped away without me been there. i feel cheated, that we never made our 25th wedding annirversay, i still cannot feel him, or even know if he feels that i carried his wishes out. they say time eases the pain, but i'm not sure, he i am talking on the web, something that i would never thought i would ever do. but i guess i am at a point where i am just in robot mode. do what i have to do, look and care for the young adult children i have, manage the bills, and put on a mask to all that im coping. if only they knew that i still cry myself to a fretfull and restless sleep. i have moments every single day that i do not wish to be here, except for the children. no one can help, but thank you to ever reads this.

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Comment by Doreen Johnson on November 15, 2009 at 12:02pm: Oh my, I sure relate to and feel your pain. My husband wasn't sick for long....finally got so ill with his congestive heart failure that he gave in and went to the hospital. 12 days later, just 12 days before Christmas, he died without me at his side. While I can be happy he didn't suffer, I am angry that I wasn't there....he was supposed to be discharged that day from the hospital. When I finally got a call from the hospital, it wasn't to go and pick him up. It started with the words..."Get here as soon as you can; your husband has taken a turn for the worse". By the time I got to the hospital, he was unconscious and shortly after coded. Efforts to bring him back were futile.

He was older than me but I figured a 25th wedding anniversary was a "gimmee". Even though he has been gone for almost 4 years, I still feel many of the feelings you describe. God bless you and help you get through this....even as I know you don't believe you can. Know that he would have wanted the best for you, and is wishing he was still with you; he's not thinking about how you carried out his wishes, I believe he probably is watching you from above, and proud of how you have handled things. I'm sure he'd love to take away your pain.... I don't have young children. I was married 22 years, one month and one day. Our daughter was 20 when we lost her beloved daddy, and my soul mate. Life is still a struggle, and we both suffer from depression. May God grant you peace and rest, and may happy memories of your time with your husband help you carry on, as he would want you to.

Doreen