As I sit here reading tears are falling down my face, I can't control them they fall freely. One minute I try to pretend my daughter is still here, but the next moment I remember she is up in heaven. I pray to God for help, the pain is so intense I feel like I am torn in two
Tammy
Ashleigh's mom forever and ever

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Comment by Rory Duran on December 1, 2009 at 11:13am
When I found this site, I was expecting it to be more detached in format - like if you feel this, then do this. But I love that it is a place where we can say what we feel - this really sucks! And I hate when people say "I can't imagine what you are going through" I want to scream " No, you can't so shut up!" It must be unbearable to keep playing mom and providing comfort for your other children when you need that yourself. I have my 4 year old granddaughter with me for I don't know how long because my daughter is still so deep in grief we can't even talk about Christmas yet. Our first Halloween and Thanksgiving were in the hospital with Logan so we never had to deal with an empty chair at the table. For Christmas, I am going to put his highchair and his favorite stuffed animal in it at our table. But I so miss his smile. I know we all grieve differently but at times, wouldn't you just like to smack your kids upside the head and say "Hello, I'm in pain too" I was the only grandparent that didn't get to speak at Logan's service so I never got a chance to say to anyone what this loss has meant to me. And I am grateful you responded. It helps me too.
Comment by Tammy Love on November 29, 2009 at 4:49pm
This christmas is going to be the worst, Ashleigh so loved this holiday, as I am sure your grandson was just beginning to learn to love it. You have to grieve, I know its tough trying to be strong for other people, because I do that to. Then you have the people that come to you and tell you how bad they are suffering over this and then I think to myself, how the heck do you think I can help you, when I can barely help myself. My heart feels as if it has been torn out of me. I pray to God every day to help me, I have two other children that I have to be there for and it kills me sometimes to have to put forth that effort. Sounds bad, huh? I would never say that to them because I love them dearly too, but as I keep it inside, it tears me apart.
I am sure your daughter knows you are in pain, she just can't get past hers to grieve with you, I know because that is how I am sometimes. Thanks for letting me vent with you, it helps.
Comment by Rory Duran on November 29, 2009 at 3:22pm
What a tremendous burden you are carrying. And the holiday season is a n ightmare. All I can say is I understand. I wish I had the magic words to help you but I don't. My 14 month grandson died last month and I also have had to put up a front since my daughter is in so much pain. I wish that anyone would turn around and say, "this must be so difficult for you" but it seems that I have to take care of them. I'm not allowed to feel the pain or loss. I hope you take some comfort in knowing you are not alone and if you respond to this, I will be here for you.

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