Justin is the youngest of my three sons and had just turned 28. He was my baby and always very close to me. Justin was killed on July 12, 2009 at 5 am in a car accident. His car left the expressway on a curve and ended up in a stand of trees next to an expressway ramp near our small town. Three days and 12 hours later I found my son's wrecked car and him inside it. I had a very bad feeling from the time I knew he was missing as he always kept close contact with his family. After our family contacted police, friends, etc. I decided to search his possible routes myself. I noticed scarred trees as I was exiting the ramp and upon further investigation and with the help of an employee from the business backing up to the expressway I was able to find my son. I am still trying to reconcile those images. It was so sad that he had been there waiting all those days to be found. I kept telling him that I was so sorry that it happened to him. The first two or three weeks were surreal. Since then I go from numb to desperate to " spiritual " coping to panic to disbelief and then repeat all of them again. It has not gotten any easier and it is almost five months. The missing him is getting worse as I was never away from him for more than a few days his whole life. He left behind three young children, 6, 2 and 9 months. I am trying to hold on for them and love and care for them the way Justin would. He would want me to do that. My family will never again be complete and I know the missing him will never leave me. At this point I refuse to let him go. I talk to him a lot and I hope that his spirit is around me but I am still left with this terrible, empty reality that my son Justin is no longer a part of my life here on earth.

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Comment by victoria, Justin's Mom on November 8, 2012 at 10:17am

It has been three years 3 months, soon to be 4 months, and as  I read my past blogs I am struck  with the fact that I still feel the same emotionally.  I can rationalize at times, ie. try and convince myself his spirit is with me or in his children but at the end of the day He is still gone 

Comment by victoria, Justin's Mom on July 13, 2010 at 8:30pm
Justin's anniversary, his angel day, his butterfly day, was yesterday. I kept a candle burning all night, woke several times through the night. When I woke at 5:05 around the time I believe he died, his daughter Marissa, 7, had both her hands on my left forearm, almost squeezing, as she slept next to me. It was as if Justin was holding onto me, at least I want to believe that. It is inconceivable that a year has passed. There are no words adequate to express how much I am missing him. I am still heartsick but I try to spend time with his children, loving them and giving them the attention they would get from their Father, at least some of it. Some relatives are clueless about what Justin's loss means to me, they're not suffering so they can't relate to my suffering. Even my sons want me to feel better but I don't think I will ever get over the pain. I know I will never stop missing him in my life. I believe the only cure for grief is death. Unfortunately he needs me to help his children and I don't want to let him down so I am forced to endure what I must. I wasn't given a choice.
Comment by Cindy Riley on December 23, 2009 at 2:29am
I just joined this site and while scanning pages, I ran across the letter from Victoria about her son Justin. At first, I thought it was something I had written somewhere else. You see I lost my son Justin too and he too had just turned 28 years old. He was killed in a motorcycle accident. I just thought I had to share that. So, sorry for your loss. I once read somewhere that we didn't lose our loved ones they just went on ahead of us and that is what keeps me going, knowing that I will see them again. I also lost Justin's dad (the love of my life) so I understand the heartache and pain we all experience. My prayers are with you all, especially this holiday season when everything is so magnified, our pain, our grief, our loss, our loneliness.
Comment by victoria, Justin's Mom on December 10, 2009 at 9:55pm
I call Justin's cell phone almost every day and I text message him telling him how much I love him. I know he probably doesn't get the messages but I do it anyway. I see this as "selective insanity" and I think it helps get me through the day to talk to him as if he is with me, to call him, and to sleep with his favorite childhood stuffed animal (that he slept with for years) that is wearing one of his unwashed t shirts. These things help me to survive day to day. I keep a journal and have since days after losing my son. I know at times it is desperation but so far I get up each morning and dress and I do some household work and cooking, although not nearly as much as before. My energy is better these days although I have a lot of numbness at times and sometimes when it hits me what happened to Justin I just want to go back to the days I would scream when I was alone in the house. I really thought early on when I was hysterically screaming that It would eventually give me a heart attack if I didn't stop. Now I am just quietly heartsick most of the time. No more screaming.
Comment by Kathy Mook on December 4, 2009 at 6:12pm
Victoria, I understand when you say you are grieving the child your son once was too. My exhusband and I divorced when Jon was 7 and his grandparents raised him. I was always a part of Jon's life but always felt I gave up my"Mother's rights". I knew Jon couldn't handle all the changes and uncertainty that my life would face. He always considered wherever I lived to be "home" but I really have grieved not being there as his Mom and protector. I have many regrets but now he's gone and there's no way to change that. His grandparents did a great job raising him and provided the stability that I never would have had, still don't have. When I put his slideshow together for his Celebration Service, I realized that as awful as I feel because I wasn't there, he was truely happy with them. His smiles in those pictures and the love in his eyes showed me that it was right for him to be with them. I miss him so much that I ache as I'm sure all the Moms here feel. I know he is in a much better place where no one will ever let him down again. That gives me the will to keep going so that one day, I'll be with him again.
Comment by Georgia Fuentes on December 3, 2009 at 4:24pm
Victoria, I am so sorry because I know the pain. Your Son is so hansom, Thank God you didn't give up looking for him. The grief pain is so hard. I lost my beautiful 31 yr. old Daughter on March 22, 2008. Her ex-boyfriend broke through a window of her apartment about 1:00 am and beat her until every bone in her face was broken, them he got a kitchen knife and continued to stab her. She had called 911 twice, but they didn't get there in time. Her 10 year old daughter was at a sleep over birthday party. I'm so Thankful to have my Granddaughter. But, when I see the pain she is in it hurts me double. When I think about my daughter driving my granddaughter to the birthday party and that was the last time she saw her Mother alive it absolutely tares my insides up. I lost my beloved husband 9 months before on June 6, 2007. The last two an half years I have been in a fog, I've never cried so much in my life. Some days I would stay in bed all day. I've been to a councilor and between her and my doctor I have gone on a medication. My Granddaughter seems to be doing better. We really don't have a choice if we are to continue on with our lives. We both have become very involved with our church. I Thank my Bishop for helping to lift us up.
Comment by victoria, Justin's Mom on December 2, 2009 at 10:27am
Thank you for your kind words and I too am sorry for the loss of your two dear sons. I am blessed to have Justin's older brothers, Mark 41 and Matthew 35. All three are tall, dark haired (Justin's was shiny blue-black),have green and amber eyes (Justin's were dark green) and resemble one another very much. I am dreading Christmas. Halloween was very difficult as it was a favorite of Justins. Justin was preparing to take a film studies class this fall. He was a movie buff and looked forward to a career in Michigan's fledgling film industry. He would have enjoyed being part of the process in any capacity. He was really excited about it and said it was his dream. I feel so badly that his time ran out before he could realize that dream. I would like to take that film studies class for him but right now I barely have the energy or will just to grocery shop and do routine chores in the house. I am just overwhelmed at the thought of doing anything more. The first thing in the morning when I wake is the most painful....just the realization of his being gone that I wake to each morning is just so disheartening. I still have such disbelief that anything so horrific could have happened to my young son and I feel so badly for him and his little children that they will not be able to enjoy each other again. I always missed baby Justin and little Justin as Justin was growing up but at the same time I could spot that little boy in him. His face never changed--it just got older looking. Now I feel that I am grieving for the loss of the baby and the little boy and the teenager and the young man. Thanks for listening as I need to talk about him. My husband is doing the stay busy and find something positive in the loss but I am having trouble finding anything positive in losing my Justin and am just heartbroken to the core of my being. I feel that I should have somehow protected him better.
Comment by Kathy Mook on November 30, 2009 at 8:58pm
Victoria, I'm so,so,sorry for the loss of your Justin. I have 4 sons of my own, 2 of which are deposits in heaven. Justin is very handsome. Unfortunately, everything you are going through is very much the same as many of us. My oldest son, Jon, died June 29 and it took me about 3 months to feel anything but anger. I still bounce between depression and anger. Jon never married or had children but he dearly loved his niece, my only grandchild. She and I talk about Uncle Jon because I want her to remember him and know how special he was. Keep coming back. Even if you don't want to converse, you might see something here that actually makes sense because we are all living the nightmare together. Hugs of Hope,Kathy

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