This will be my first Christmas without my little brother. I tried to write on here the other day, but it kept saying there was an error. He died in a sudden car accident last Jan 23rd. I still wake up and think this is all a bad dream & I am going to wake up! Today my mom & I went to the crash site & put some solar lights up on his cross. We are going to decorate a living christmas tree with solar christmas lights (purchased at Target) and put it down at his grave. He loved Christmas so much, and I was just telling my mom today how weird it is that last Christmas we were celebrating with him & his family, & this Christmas we are decorating his grave. My heart is still broken & I can barely breathe when i really let myself go back to the night of the accident. I wish I could just bypass Christmas all together, but he has his babies & I have my daughter I have to be strong for. I hate this! It snowed for the first time the other night & I cried. See.. He loved snow too, and last year he & I went tubing just like when we were kids! We had so much fun! I just want him back! They say god never makes mistakes, I really hope so! I know he did get one awesome angel up there! I hope all of you grieving during this holiday, know that your loved one has just gone on ahead to prepare a place for us when we get there. I hate it with all my heart that this is how it all goes, but I swear, if there isnt a god or heaven or a place with him up there when its my calling, I am going to be one mad mama! I am really trying to get into the spirit this year because he would not have it any other way, but gah I just cant! I say Bah Hum Bug!

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