I am new at this I just lost my son on Dec 5 2009 from a 3 relapse of cancer leukemia. He had a stem cell transplant and was doing fine for 1 year 11 months almost to the day. I have taken care of him for the last 5 years. He had a long battle. I never said he had cancer it was we had cancer. The thing that bothers me so much I feel like I lied to him. When he relapsed I told him it was just another bump in the road. He would get through this with faith and Gods help. God had always taken care of him so I had no reason to doubt he would do it again. Honestly I don't want to go on. I will never do harm to myself because I want to see my son again and I don't belive in suicide. But I feel like I am crazy. I just can't get off the couch. I can't sleep He haunts me. I can't eat because he loved to eat. I can't watch the shows we once watched together. I don't know what to do with myself. I was there when he took his first breath and his last and that is what haunts me. Can someone tell me what to do? How can I get to look at his photo's without bursting into tears. How can I stop missing him? How will my broken heart ever heal? I really don't expect my heart to heal but figure it will get easier as time goes on. I just don't understand why murders,rapest,terrest get to live and God takes my son? He never got to live he went to college for 2 days then diagnosed. It was time for him to get into trouble he was sick. I don't know what to do? Where to go? I don't feel like anyone understands? I don't know what to do.

I hate my life
Kim

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Comment by Kim on December 25, 2009 at 7:45pm
I always told my kids can't never done anything but in this case I can tell u I can't do this. My first Christmas without my kids. I forbad them to come over. I sat here all day trying to remember Christmas's past but no use. I just see me telling my beautiful son how much I love him and go to God when my heart was so broken. I don't feel I will ever forget that. Maybe if I had prayed more or fought with the Dr's harder I wouldn't feel like this. I miss him so much. I pray to God to wake me from this nightmare. Turn back time 6 months anything I just want to see my son.
Comment by Gregorysmom on December 25, 2009 at 2:52am
Kim I am crying as I write this my sister because I do understand , I lost my son Dec 2 and sometimes the pain is so bad I cant breath , I even cry in my dreams . All I can tell you is lean on the Lord he will see us though this trust in him even when you feel you cant go on .if you ever need someone to vent to or just chat with email me or write here I check a few times a day I will keep you and your family in my prayers
((((((tight hugs)))))

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