Today I sit and think, wow I made it through to another day. Is it any better than yesterday, No but I made it. Each day I look forward to the next as I feel it may be a little better than the last. If I am lucky maybe it will be the day i loose my memory and forget the past. I know I have a small chance of that happening but If it did then I would forget the pain I am in. I guess then I would forget some of the wonderful things that happened after my Mom's death, like the birth of my son in 2008. So I guess I better not think about things that I really don't want to happen. (memory loss)
I guess I need to focus on healing and moving forward so that I can enjoy my son and my life. Like in a incerpt from a poem I wrote in my Mom's funeral program - through our tears were burts of laughter - my Mom was the only person who really knew me. Everyday wasn't great days, we argued and fussed like any other mother and daughter but but soooo many days were fun and loving, we had a wonderful relationship and was so close, even when we would disagree we could always talk about it and if something bad happened during our lifetime through our tears were burts of laughter,
I remember one day I had done something and she was upset with me and I left the room but when I peaked inside at her she was still frowning and mad ... so I waited and then I went in her room from the other side of the ouse and sd u know your not really mad at me, you know u just want me to kiss your cheek and hug u right now and then we just burst out laughing and it was over and forgotten about.... so many memories how can I live without her, how can I go on when i can't forget...
I know one day I am going to open my eye's and it will be a better day for me. Only GOD knows when that will happen but I know he has not given up on me yet. I always here my Mom saying "GOD does not put more on us then we can bear" I actually say it alot myself now. I know HE knows I can handle this pain, I just got to believe I can handle it. It's a heavy load to bear and I look to better days! I know my Mom wants me to stop being sad and crying and hopefully soon I will but not today!!!