Today's subject is grief. Been thinking about this a lot lately and can't seem to get a handle on it. I just have never been so low. I know at times I feel a little normal but for the most part I am just sad. What is the proper way to grieve? I don't know. Somedays I can laugh about the silly things he done as a child and other days it kills me and brings me to tears just seeing his picture. How does one get over this. I know I have read all the grief process and seems like non apply to me. I just feel like I am nuts and my dreams are out of this world. When do you start remembering all the good stuff. My poor son suffered a lot. Chemo burnes on his body to the point he couldn't walk soon he slipped into a coma and then kidney failure and then called away. I can't say my son die#. He was called away the d word just don't compute or apply to my son. I don't know I think it is just my way of shutting out what my heart knows. I can't do this. I love my kids and I can't except the fact one of them is gone. How does a parent suppose to live with this? It isn't fair God should have taken me first.

Kim

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Comment by CINDY ANDERSON on January 26, 2010 at 1:11pm
Hi Kim, My son Michael died at 28 years old on August 2, 2008, suddenly at the ER. He had been sick for about a week, seemed like the flu. I saw him on Wednesday and he died on Saturday. The memory of the night was with me for weeks, months at first. Then finally I was able to get it out of my mind and start to focus on all the wonderful memories. But it is so painful to remember also. Everything is hard. You sound like you are moving thru the grief and that is a good thing. My best friend is a Dr in the mental health field and she told me in the beginning and kept telling me you have to move thru the grief. It is horrible and painful and you want to die yourself. I called her crying so many times to explain it to me again. "WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO MOVE THRU THE GRIEF". Now that I am further along I understand what it means. I have learned to be good to myself, to take care of me. I am learning to say no. When I need to cry, I cry. I have his pictures everywhere. Sometimes it's hard to look, other times they bring me much comfort. I hope coming to this site helps you. I know it has helped me so much. I starting coming right after Xmas. I was at my lowest. I wanted to take my life. This site saved me. Talking to everyone and knowing they know, they really know. I'm not alone, I'm not going crazy. I want to live, I know I am a different person now than I was before my son died. Your son was a piece of you. I used to describe it in the beginning that I felt like a big chunk of me was gone, and the wound was open and it hurt so bad, so bad. Now that I am a little further along, I still feel like that but slowly it is starting to heal. I feel him come to me, I know when he is there. I'm sure your son is with you, he wants you to not hurt but he knows how much you loved him. Kim, you go really easy on yourself. I hope you are surrounded by family and friends that bring you comfort. I found early on that if I got under Mike's blanket and I have his shirt with me, lit some candles, put on some music and cried if I needed to or wrote in my journal, looked at pictures whatever I needed to at that moment, somehow I got thru that moment. I learned to slow down and I had to take it moment by moment. Kim, I am sending hugs and prayers to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, come back to this site, we understand and you are not alone. This new club we are in is the worst, but GOD has a plan and I now treasure all the time I had with Mike. I raised my children with the mind set that LIFE IS SHORT, LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE IT IS YOUR LAST. And he lived it that way. But now that he is gone, to try and believe those words is bittersweet. I miss him so. He was not only my only son but he was such a good friend. I miss spending time with him. I miss everything. So each day I wake up, I allow myself to just focus on that moment, get my coffee, come to this site and feel not so alone. GOD BLESS. Cindy

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