If I close my eyes forever,
Would it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever,
Would it all remain the same?

I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it shock? Is it denial? I don't know. It's almost like "pretending the last 17 years didn't happen" is better than dealing with the pain of remembering that he's gone. It's like the feeling I get when I go back to work after a two-week vacation. Work is so normal and familiar that it's like the vacation never happened. If I pretend I didn't spend almost half my life with him, does that mean I can face the rest of my life without him?

Don't talk of love,
Well, I've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Everything I'm reading says that grief takes time. That I'm going to feel like this for a while. I don't WANT to feel like this for a while, because I hate the way it feels, and it doesn't change a thing - he's still dead and he's still not coming back. So why not just put it all behind me, accept my new reality by whatever means necessary, and go on from there? What good does all the crying and depression and mourning and grieving do? It doesn't change the fact that I'll never see him again. That I'll never feel his arms around me again, that I'll never see the laughter in his eyes again. That I'll never make love to him again, or fall asleep tangled in his arms. That I'll never hear him tell me "I adore you" or smile at me like a man smitten. That we'll never ride over to a restaurant and walk in the door holding hands because we can't bear not being in contact with each other. That's gone, and wailing about it isn't going to bring it back.

Not to mention this crying thing sucks rocks. I'm tired, I'm worn out, all I want to do is sleep but I have to go to work in the morning. Though there is some comfort in knowing that if I have an "I can't do this right now" day (like I did this afternoon) that I *do* have an option to leave. Did I try to get back to work too early? I don't know. Just like everything else that's going on, I have no freaking clue if I should have or not. Probably not. "But gee, Chris, you're so strong and independent and you look great" Yeah, that's why I've spent 5 minutes crying my guts out in the car at the end of the day before I can drive home.

And it hasn't solved a bloody thing. I still hurt and the love of my life is still dead.

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