To all who have lost a child,
I don't know what to say or how to say it as I am sitting here at my computer crying uncontrollably once again, not just for myself and my loss but for all of you that I read about and the desperation and grief I feel with you. My son turned 16 on Nov. 30th, 2009. He was the light of my life. My only reason to live this life. He gave to me joy, laughter, future, comfort, and a friendship that went beyond the 'parental' relationship. We did everything together - movies, shopping, card games, joking & chasing each other through the house - the things people do with friends. He was wise beyond his years and had goals for his future that he was preparing for. The impact to this community that he made during the 10 months we have lived here was remarkable. There is not a single person in our small community that had not been touched by my son's life. It was the greatest blessing of my life to have been allowed to be his "Momma". In the early morning of Dec. 6, 2009 I receivd a phone call from the police stating my son was in a bad accident and being tranaported to the local ER. Two days later on Dec. 8, 2009 @ 5:47 am - after being life-flighted to Salt Lake City Primary Childrens Hospital - he died. It is a gut-wrenching unbearable memory of what I saw in the hospital. I fainted when I first was allowed to see my son. The doctors tried to warn me, but nothing prepared me for my babies head injuries. I still have nightmares when I am ablw to sleep more than an hour at a time and I wake with such desperation unknown to man. My brother compares my son and I to that of the relationship between Jesus and his mother Mary, and what she would have emotionally gone through seeing her son torn apart in his torture. This is what it is for me. Unending torture, despair, grief beyond words - no descriptive words can be uttered to describe a mothers grieving soul. How in the name of God could he have allowed such ugliness and pain be put upon a young man who loved him so much? I have always been steadfast in my faith and trusted God, but the events that have occured this past year in my life are beyond my comprehension of Gods love.
Nothing helps me day or night. I want so badly to have my son back, but the sad truth is that death is final. It is not something that you can repair or change. God forbid that anyone else should suffer such pain and agony as a mother does in her loss.
My heart is with all "momma's" -