I put some pictures of my Chris on my desk some of my very favorites and bought a candle and put and lit it last light. I realized that the candle put the word memory on the wall from the frame it is in. How that upset me to realize my beautiful son that I loved and cared for so long is just to memory to so many people. To me Chris lives. Anyone that met my son and knew his story took a part of him. He suffered from Leukemia and had every side effect to every drug they gave him. He never complained. He would throw up and I would tell he would never have to face that one again it was over and done and that was one less he would ever have do that one again. I always tried to look on the bright side of everything. Now he is just a memory. I can't believe it came to this. I want to write the dr's and ask them if they talked to their kids today and get a response I don't. I don't think it is anger sinking in.. I just miss him life is so unfair. I just can't get myself together If things don't change I will probably loose my job because I can't get myself together. I just can't seem to get it out of my head. I missed something. I pretty much let the dr's have free reign over his care and after 5 years I trusted them. But come to find out the drug they used had never been tested on anyone over the age of 21 and he was 25. I think there is so much more I could have done.I should not have trusted so much. I should have ask more questions I should have done so much. But the end result would have been he would have had to have a lung,liver,another bonemarrow transplant and kidney transplant. I hate me. Now because I didn't thoughly investigate the meds (like I always did before) We got this result. My son is a memory. How is anyone going to know what a true pure hearted person he was? I stayed with him night and day. I knew him better than anything we talked alot. We watched movies and we prayed together. One of the best memories is I was very upset one night he called me over held my hand and started to pray for me. As sick as he was 3 degree burnes on him kidneys shut down liver acting up and he prayed for me. That is the son I have. I don't use the d word I prefer to say he is gone or God called him home. I don't think my suffering will ever end nor do I think my heart will ever stop loving him. I promised him this cancer coming back was a bump in the road another test God is putting us through a test of our faith. But alas it was just the opposite. I have yet to try to remember the good things because he haunts me. I see him suffering. I see him burnt from Chemo(not radiation) falling away one organ at a time. I am like so many of us we just trust God to make through another day and that makes us one day closer to seeing our loved ones that are gone.

Kim

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