Im 39 years old and lost my mom last sunday 2- 7-2010, mom had a quadupal bypass in july, and was recovering fine so we thought till tey flew her by lifestar helicopter to another hospital she had a sent put in after that she never seemed the same. though The DR.S said it wasnt her heart . she kept going to te emergancy room and they woud treat her for things such as dehydration, urinary tract infection, and even animea ( she had a blood transfusion) and wuld always send her home... kind of like it was all in her head. but we knew beter than that. well then she began falling. drs. still found nothing wrong, then my dad ad a stroke and was in the hospital. he survived the stroke but needed to go to a nursing home for rehab. he was afraid of my mom being alone so he had her put into the nursing home while he was there, she was so mad at him. but its the best move he made. in the nursing home the 2nd night they found she was spiking 104. fevers at night and they sent her to the hospital. who treated it and sent er back to the home that night around 5 pm and the home sent her back to ER 9pm the same night...she spent te rest of her life in the hospital. the whole month of january was a nightmae.. some DR.S gave us hope others no hope they told us she was a very sick woman and they were trying to find out why..what they did find was that she had a gallbladder infection and needed to remove the gallbladder but couldnt because she was so weak shed die through surgery, they needed to get her stronger first. but instead she got sicker, her lungs were filling with fluid and cogestive heart faliur was going on and so they tried draining the infection. but it didnt work soon she was on a breathing machine and was just getting weaker when DR. said theres nothing else they could do we decided to take her off and let er fight it on her own, she couldnt. my dad was with her 24/7 by her side holding her hand... i was there as much as possible ( i have 4 children to tend to ages 4,6 ,8 and 20) i was missing them and needed to be with my mom at same time... i was always feeling guilty...the day mom passed i was in the room with her. my dad and my sis had just steped out for a minute i then sat on side of her bed held both hands and told her that i had 2 babies in heaven i needed her to care for.(misscarages) and i told her i would take good care of my girls and dad. then i told her i loved her ad i was soooo sorry that i was such a spoild brat to her growing up. and everything i said and done to hurt her. and i no0w realise that i wish i could take it all back... thats when she took her last breath. i was relieved,scared,upset all mixed emotions at te same time as i clled for the nurse . my mom died at 2:15 and the DR. came at 4:30? we sat by her side the whole time while we were talking as if she were stil with us... i watched her turn colors and was getting upset that we were carrying on a coversation as my mom was in the same room dead. im so devestated. this is my first experience of losing a loved one. and to this day its still not real its like shes on a vacation or something. i even did good at the wake though i hated the thought of my mom in a urn was ashes. but i got through it... my 4 year old started crying i comforted her, and my dad, i think the worst part is watching him suffer, they were very close. married 49 years in march, hes having such a hard time and he has health problems .. im so worried he will have a heart attack or another stroke. my sister is flying back to her home in la tommrow morning and that will leave my dad alone for first time without mom. i cant be over there s one of my daughters has a stomach bug. dad always told us hed rather die than go to a nursing home. so hes staying put. im very confsed as to what happens now... do i let everything alone? do i pack up moms stuff? is it ok to take any of her belongings? my sister is in charge f everything but being she is far she wants me to take care of the material stuff and she will take care of financial, and she and my brother will be up to CT. in the summer when the ground thaws and we burry mom. (who sits in dads house till then).. im so mixed up. i keep thinking what would jesus do? im the only one close to mom next to dad we called each other several times a day, im in bad marriage and she was the only one i could talk to. she gave me money to help with my girls and she bought clothes for me, i guess at 39 i have t grow up and learn to live witout mom. and i dont want to i want my "mommy" and i know it is what it is deal with it but how? and how can i take care of dad and my family at same time? he cant take little ones running around for long. and what if something happens to my dad??? i dont think i could handle it. i have ocd dissorder as well as touretts and anxiety disorder im on meds that help but sometimes meds are not the answer.. i feel so uilty sitting here cooking dinner for my kids and carrying on life as normal while my moms gone and my dads suffering. it just doesnt seem right

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