I was out on a "Girls Weekend" this past weekend, and during the shopping I couldn't help but think about Robby. I replayed one of my favorite memories... he hugged me and we leaned on my car in his front yard and he told me "Want to know one of the reasons I love you so much?" and of course I said yes, and he went on to say, "Because you are you, and you don't care if anyone doesn't like that. I've always tried to be like you because you just don't care what people think. And I think that is so cool." That was about two weeks before he passed. I loved that kid so much. I can still remember the way he smelled and laughed and the famous penguin dive that he did. I went with him to get his last 2 tattoos, one on the inside of his lip that said "One Love" (for his fave. Bob Marley song) and then "John 14:6" on his shoulder. I still haven't stopped shaking physically from the aftershock of his death. My hands are still trembling. For the most part I am able to cover it well...but I have found that medication does nothing for the pain. My older sister swears that the meds make her sleep, but I bet that’s because she is able to believe that they work. It hurts so much to go and visit my parents, go into his old room, and remember him screaming like a girl if anything moved in the dark. I can’t take his phone number out of my phone still. I want him to call me and tell me this was some horrible joke. I would be ok with that at this point. I don’t see any way out of this all encompassing depression. I'm too afraid to let my friends and family know what I am really going through. My husband knows that I'm not ok...and the family thinks it’s safe to assume that I'm not, but we don't talk about it. I think it’s because no one is ok anymore. My husband was friends with Robby before I met him, Robby actually introduced us, so he lost someone close to him also. It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my brother...I wish I could go back in time, even if it was only for two minutes to see him. Just for one hug. I wish it wasn't impossible.

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