It's been almost year a ago that we lost Our Big Brother and he has been on my mind a lot lately. Why? The nightmares have ended, the of pain losing him hasn't been bothering me, but lately he has been on my mind.....It's done..It's over... No going back...Nothing would have improved his life, so why am I beating myself up about it now?
This time last year, I was back home doing the last thing I thought I'd never have to do...make the decision to end his life..Unplug his life support. I wasn't alone in this but it felt so wrong. I question my own feelings on this issue. I know I have my family I could talk to but I don't know if they would understand. Where as I know it was the best decision for him, I still often wonder if there was anything else that could have been done for him, but knowing the answers from all the tests that where done...he was brain dead. The only thing keeping him alive and breathing was a machine. Something my entire family doesn't want to ever have done for them..They say and I agree, let me go...don't allow a machine to do what we naturally do..breath and heart pumping on their own without help...
Do I miss a man I really didn't get a chance to know??? Yes, I do. Do I feel cheated in some ways..Yes, I do. How I am to get through this one, I cannot answer right now but I know God will help me through it and I will be okay one day. Maybe one day I will actually smile and remember something good about this whole situation......