I joined Legacy Connect right after my son passed away in September. I found it difficult to come here. I would come to receive encouragement and advise, but I would get caught up in reading about everyone else's sadness, loss, and tragedy, that I would leave this site worse that when I came in. It's been five months since I was active on here. It was good for me to come here initally to understand that my feelings are not just my own. I see there are others out there who share the same strange thoughts. Many say "I just want to be with them (meaning the person who has died)". To an outsider (someone who has not lost a child) that might seem like a red flag -- caution you have a suicidal parent on your hands -- caution. But to us, to us in this morbid club, this group that no one yearns to be a part of, to us this makes complete sense. We are not suicidal because we want to be with the children we have lost. I have not said "Yes, I would like to kill myself". I think most of us recognize that if we did that...did the unspeakable....we would be putting the grief we have now on to others, especially the children that we have on earth. And none of us want that. But I have said on many occasions that I YEARN to be with my son; to hold him again.
I don't know really what I'm trying to do here this time, other than I'm trying it again; whatever IT is. I miss my son just as much today as I did on September 19, September 20, September 30....Christmas, New Year. I think I probably miss him more now than I did then. When he first left, it seemed like he would be coming home anytime, you know? Like someone just went to the store and you are waiting for them to bring in the gallon of milk you asked for. I didn't miss him then because in my heart he wasn't gone yet. I know, this probably makes no sense. I mean, I knew he was gone and my heart was in shattered pieces from the time we found out about his accident, but it's different now. The pain and shock of his loss are still there but maybe its not as intense as it once was. Of course, that could change within a few minutes. I think maybe the "missing him" part has overshadowed the intensity of the pain that I initially felt...I guess what I am doing now is reassuring myself that I'm not crazy. That it's okay to feel the things I feel, to reach out to complete strangers so I feel normal in this new life that I never wanted. Is that selfish? Boy, I sure feel like it is. I miss him. My baby. I miss him so much. You know, I still sit in the garage and wait for him to come home. I still expect him to come out in the driveway when I pull up from work. I still wait for his 4:00 phone call to tell me how his school day went. I still .... everything.