I've never felt this way before. I keep waiting to feel better, and on some days I do, but then, this overwhelming, suffocating grief returns to me. I have a lot of emotions that I don't know what to do with and a lot of thoughts that are scary to me. I've had people pass away before that I was close to and loved dearly, but never this close. This was my mother. This is the person who knew me the best, the one person I could tell my secrets to, and she would understand and love me the same. Now that is gone. I feel guilty because I was in denial about the cancer. I thought I could pray it away. I just made myself believe that she would always be there no matter how sick she became. I thought it would go away. I think that if I wouldn't have been in denial, I wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to keep everything normal, I could have listened to any fears she may have had. Instead, I'm left feeling like I should have spent more time with her than I did (even though I only live ten minutes away). I feel like I should have stayed by her bedside and never left to go to work or anywhere. I also feel like she was being strong for me because that's what she knew I needed, when I should've been the one being strong for her. I feel guilty because I began to lose my faith, wondering why God would do this to her. Why? She wasn't a bad person. She went out of her way to help anyone. She was a wonderful mother to us and wife to my dad. And I prayed so much for him to heal her and allow me to keep her but that didn't happen and it hurts. I've never felt a hurt like that. I think about my own children, and don't want them to feel like that ever. It's too much. I still have some of her clothes in my closet. Some, my dad gave to me to wear. My mother and I used to swap clothes quite a bit (she was a really hip lady) and I guess he figured that would help me. I kept them, even the ones I couldn't wear, because I could smell her perfume on them. Well, she's been gone for almost 8 months and I realized I can't smell her fragrance anymore and that makes me cry even as I type this. What can I do? I love her so much! I'm used to speaking to her everyday, and this hurts.

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Comment by Dee on March 8, 2010 at 8:45pm
Hi,
My Mom passed July 22,2009. I have struggled ever since. I have 4 siblings. My mother had a different relationship with each of us. Our thing was we were in our church choir together. We sat on the same row. I am having a very difficult time going to church, because she is not there. People just don't understand me. I am constantly being asked; when are you coming back to church or to choir rehearsal. My church family are always judging me, assuming I'm not praying. I pray every day for the LORD to help me. I am so stricken with grief. It has totally taken over my life. My husband and children can't understand me either. I often feel I am at a loss. See for me I'm still sitting on that front pew. Everyone, else their lives are business as usual. I know she is in a better place. I prayed and asked GOD to strength me during her sickness. I prayed for HIM to help me accept the things I cannot change. For a while I felt like I can do this. Some days are good. However when I have a bad day(especially Saturday's and Sunday's)it's really bad. I shut completely down. I miss her so much. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. Then to add insult to injury I lost my job 3 days after returning to work(from the funeral)Thank GOD I have my husband because I am very fragile right now. I tell my self that GOD fixed it so I can cry as much as I want... when I want too (lol) besides no one would put up with my emotional state anyway. Please keep me in your prayers, and I will do the same.
Dee

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