Today is six weeks since Dan died. Today sucked. I couldn't sleep last night, and ended up not going in to work today. I miss him so much. I've tried to be strong and tried to go on and tried to keep going and I evidently have a lot of people fooled into thinking I'm doing well and that I'm so strong. Bullhockey. I'm hanging on by my fingernails - or at least I would be if I hadn't bitten all my fingernails off. I don't know if it's that it's Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays, or if it's rebound from having a good weekend with my best friend who came in to town. All I know is I'm so tired and I can't sleep, and last night I had some bad dreams during the little sleep I did get.
I don't know what to do. I called another two counselors in the hopes of finding someone who does grief counseling and who has an opening, but if they are taking new patients, they don't have appointments in the evenings. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but like I can't find someone. Does it have to be a grief counselor? I don't know. But there are things I want to talk about that I don't want to talk about in group. And I don't necessarily want to talk to my mom about because I know it hurts her to know that I hurt, not to mention talking with her brings up memories of her losing my dad, and I also want validation from someone who "knows what they're talking about" that I'm okay. Am I actually coping, or still just emotionally numb? I don't know.
They say there are up days and down days. This is definitely a down day. And I can feel the "why bother trying?" feeling creeping back up on me, fighting with the guilt of trying to go on without him. Like it's not "right" for me to be "okay". Like somehow moving on means dishonoring him and his memory and everything we had together. This morning I cleaned off his vanity and threw away his half-empty tube of toothpaste, his hair stuff, his flossing pick. I couldn't let his hairbrush go, so it's still there. Does that count as progress? I don't know. There are so many things I don't know, like what I'm supposed to do now.
I wish I had the report back from the ME's office, but it's likely not going to be available for another couple of weeks, at least. And even then I don't know if it's going to help, or open up a whole new world of hurt. But at this point, maybe a new world of hurt would be good for me? At least then I'd feel like I was feeling something. Right now I'm not sure I'm feeling anything, or if I could put a label on it if I had to. Tired. Numb. Lonely. Empty. Lost. P*issed. Things that won't go through the word filter here. Whatever.