Tired of this rollercoaster now. My brother was in town for a couple of days, and while he was here I was fine. I could think about Dan without it hurting so much, and put up the front that I was "okay" well enough that I felt okay for a little bit. Until I had to drop my brother off at the airport - the airport where Dan worked. Gods, what am I going to do if every time I go to the airport I lose it?
I wen tto my group after I dropped my brother off, but there was someone using our room so we waited in the lobby until they were done. As we were waiting I could just feel everything pushing down on me and I really didn't want to be there and all I wanted to do was go home and curl up with the dogs. The stupid grey and rainy day wasn't helping any. By the time the room was cleared out and our group was ready to start I couldn't deal with it. I told the facilitator that I couldn't do this today and I left. I ended up going to the pet store and picking up some quality dog clippers in the hopes of actually grooming my two scruffy Schnauzers because they really need it soon. It's something I've been thinking of doing for weeks (hell, longer than that, I was looking at clippers while Dan was still alive), and finally decided to just do it.
I don't know if it was a matter of distraction or what, but I felt better for a while. Then I started thinking about Dan again and how he wouldn't see the dogs after I'd groomed them, and wondering what he would think of them, and how he had helped me in my other attempts to groom them by helping fix the cheap clippers I had bought years ago, and by sharpening the cheap scissors I had bought, and by encouraging me and telling me the dogs looked great even though I thought they looked like they'd been attacked by a hoarde of ravenous moths... I don't want him to be gone. But the futility of dwelling on that just made me feel worse, so I had to try and find something else to distract me and I don't know that I succeeded. Tonight has been a basic downer, with me eating too much and watching too much TV and not getting anything done that I should be, like the laundry or exercising.
I was happy once. I was truly happy and content with my life. Once. But not anymore.
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