I feel like half of me is missing. I miss my son because he is gone to heaven and I can't get to him. I cry for him daily. I am depressed to the max and can't seem to get him out of my mind. He is gone. I will never get to see him with a wife and kids. I forever miss him. My heart is just not the same. I am not the same. I don't like the way I am feeling. I miss him so much I think I can't breath sometimes. This isn't fair. I don't know why God didn't take me. I have lived a life. It was his turn. I don't want to stay here. No mother should ever see the things I have seen. Nobody should have ever been put through what we were. If God wanted someone he could have take a rapist,murder,drug dealer but not my innocent son. He wanted to live so much. He fought so hard. I had to sit and watch. All I could do is just sit and watch. I prayed day and night. It got to the place my mind was numb and all I could do was say God Chris. I am angry,hurt,lost,depressed I don't know what to do anymore I just go in circles. Work home clean the house force myself to eat. Pet the dog and do all I can to keep his dog from being depressed too. His dog and I princess cry often together. She misses him so much. I do the best I can with her. I pet her love on her I don't know what I would do if something happened to her. She was his. He was her boy. I found the need to paint my house interror and I feel so bad doing it. I feel as if I am erasing him from the house. I have the hallway decorated with his pictures and I walk by and touch his face. My wonderful son is gone. This has ruined my family. Instead of us pulling together we are pulling apart. We discovered he was the thread that kept us knitted together. What to do? How can I fix this? I am feeling so all alone. I can't stand this. I want to go back in time,I want to change the past. They say hine site is 20/20 and it is correct. I remember every harsh word or action I ever done to him. I can't remember how he laughted anymore. I can't remember the beautiful hazel eyes he had. When is this ever going to stop hurting so bad? When will I ever be able to sleep? When does the good memories ever come back? I WANT MY SON BACK. This isn't fair.

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