I had to drive Cayden to her play dress rehearsal tonight. It is the first time I have been outside after dark since we lost Emerson. You know the look the sky gets at night, in the last moments of twilight when the trees are dark shadows against the sky and the world looks huge. I used to love that but tonight all I could think was -Emerson, where are you? How can a child that I created and brought into this world just be gone. How can someone with her happiness and love just be gone, no where under that sky. How can she be chatting about Dora, kissing me night night, then nothing. How am I supposed to go on without her. She is literally part of me, how do I do that, how do I even try. I had everything, now nothing. The world is such a lesser place without her here, maybe not to everyone, but she is my world and now nothing works, being here has no meaning.
Emerson made me so happy, every day. She died at an age that there were no fights, no talking back, just beautful innocence and delight with the world. It is impossible to me that she is just gone. And that I am supposed to learn to live with that. When I think my child died, with no warning, for no reason, and this is real,there is no waking up, I can not breathe. This is not how it works, healthy children do not just die, especially ones so cared for and loved. There is not a second of her life that she spent without someone with her that loved her and would literally give their life for her. Her sisters, the three of them together were amazing, they were FAMILY, the looked out for eachother. She was so funny, so smart, I wish more people realize what I lost, maybe if they knew they would realize why I can not move. What it felt like to hold her, what it felt like to have her, to call her mine.
I saw two different counselors this week. This first one was nice enough but a waste of time, she did not make me feel like she would ever be able to "help" me. The second one is nationally known, has written a book, etc. She is a name,especially in Boston. That does not matter to me but she was different. She did not give me the big sad eyes that everyone does. She flat out told me that I am clinically depressed and need to be on antidepressants which I will not take because I am pregnant. So she basically says I need to work with her so she sees tiny movement from me or I am going to end up in the hospital. That my body can not take the prolonged stress of pregnancy, grief and depression at once. I don't doubt that, I worry about the baby and hope she gets what she needs first. I know I sob hysterically daily, until I am nauseous and tired and even when I lie here in a trance I am tense and uncomfortable. I want out of my own skin, my own life.
I liked her approach but it scared me too. She flat out said another little girl arriving in 6 months is a landmine, but it is what it is, so we work with what we have, but I need to work. My problem is I do not want this. I want Emerson. I do not want to accept this, work to get better, etc. I want to go back to March 1st. I want to not put Emmie in for a nap. Would it have happened that night, would she still be here? I want the world to make sense. I want Emmie to have her life in front of her. I just stare at Cayden and Reese. How can they be my only two children. Of course Emmie is still my child, my daughter, I have three children, 4th on the way, but she is not here, they are the only two I have to raise. THIS IS SO WRONG, EVERYTHING IS SO WRONG.
I honestly remember lying in my bed with Emmie, soaking her in and thinking to myself that if anything ever happened to her I would die. She was such a part of me I actually knew what I was risking but she was worth it, she was truly mine. And I kept her safe.
Nothing is helping anymore. I can journal, email people, spend thousands on counseling, I don't care about any of it, I just want my daughter. I did not raise her the way I did to lose her for no reason. Cayden, Scott, Reese they are all driving me nuts, it is awful, they are not what I want. There is no escape. She should be safe. Not invincible, I realize there are car accidents, drowning, children that choke but asleep in her crib in her room at 2.5 years old she should be safe.
I ran into a local toy store on the way home from the therapist today. I had to get a gift for Reese to bring to a party tomorrow. I knew what I wanted to get so I figured 5 minutes in and out. They can wrap it there and Reese will be good to go. What I did not anticipate was walking in and seeing all the things I should be filing Emmie's Easter Basket with. Such cute spring stuff. A ladybug watering can I know she would love. Life is no longer worth living, I want to hear her giggle while she waters the flowers....why does she not get that chance, why don't we?
The whole way to Cade's rehearsal she talked and talked. She sat in the middle so she would be closer to me and for 30 minutes she went on and on about how hard she is trying in school, how it feels good to get good grades, on and on and on. She has been trying really hard, she is trying to please me, give me what I want, I am proud of her but that hurts me too. She is trying to fill the void, make her mother happy, do the impossible. I feel like she is begging for me to love her.
At the rehearsal the parents had to wait outside in the hall. I don't know anyone there. Moms were making small talk. How many kids do you have, how old? What is my answer? I HAVE to include Em, I owe her that. There is no such thing as easy anymore. I look at the other moms. Their hair was done, their clothes matched. I know what I look like. My hair is in a bun, I have on ratty sweats, my face is dry, peeling, raw, red and swollen. My eyelids are so swollen they do not open all the way, my eyes are bloodshot. I kept my distance, I did not talk to a soul. Shouldn't parents that lose a child get some sign. A giant mark to wear for all to see. So people know why you look this way and to leave you alone and not make small talk. I just think as I walk with Cade and Reese any stranger would think this is my family, its not, that word does not exist for me anymore.
I have some stupid realty show on in the background as I type this. There is a little girl, probably about 18 months old in a high chair eating noodles and hot dogs. I glance up, I automatically think choking hazard. The hot dogs are cut in a bunch of circles, not strips, EXACTLY what you are not supposed to do. This is my instantaneous subconscious thought, I know how to keep my girls safe, WHY ME?
I am just lost. I see no way out. I can't kill myself, I owe more than that to Cade and Reese. I do not want to live without Em...so what do you do to pass the rest of your days? The therapist promises there is a path to follow. A long painful process at the end of which I will fine peace. I will have a hole in my heart forever but it will not hurt so much, I will learn to live with it. I will have happiness with just a twinge of pain. Who wants that as the definition of their future. I want my children,like everyone else, I want my baby girl. I want true moments of happiness, the real thing. I want Emmie to live her life, why is that too much to ask?