Living is always better than dying.....until its not.
Today was a day that makes me realize how much we have lost, in addition to the ultimate loss, of Emmie. Reese had a party for a little girl in her class which for Reese is a big deal. The party happened to be at Kidz Planet which is where Reese had her party in January. One of the videos we have of Emmie is my three girls in the lobby there waiting for Reese's party to start. They are all hyped up, laughing and chasing each other in circles, the sister dears, my family, how it should be. SO happy together, how it should be. I knew I could not walk in there, Scott did and paid the price.
My afternoon was not much better. Cayden's long awaited play was today. I took Cayden to get her hair styled by my sister at her work. She was supposed to have her hair in rollers and I just could not do it. I knew it would come out nice if Jill did it and Cade deserved to feel pretty. I probably would have taken her there regardless of this situation but it would have been so different. I would have been happy, not ducking my head and fighting off tears in the corner of Jill's work. Last time I was there was 2 weeks before Em died. I went in for a haircut and brought Reese and Emmie with me. The two of them hung out in the changing area, playing hide-n-seek, helping themselves to the water fountain and causing chaos. Emmie was so smiley and she was wearing her furry boots, I remember it clearly, stupid nothing memory I would kills for.
After that I take Cade to get ready at the school. On the drive over she asks me when I am going to be happy again. Can't I be a little sad about Em but be happy with her and run in the yard? I try to explain to her, but there are no words. I tell her I am so sorry. I am sorry Emmie died. I am sorry we are no longer adding on her new room. I am sorry I am sad all the time. I am sorry I disappointing her, I am just so very sorry. I tried so hard, I have failed even harder. We get there, all the moms are so excited, fawning over their little girls. I am barely keeping it together. I know I look like hell. I am in sweats, no make up, tear stained, hair in a bun, status quo. I think how if I saw me I might think, jeez its your kids show make an effort, smile. I will no longer be so quick to judge, you never know what people have going on. I know not one person there knows my pain, recognizes my look for that of a mother who has lost her child. At one point Cade doesn't want to put on tights and I literally said to her that I did not want to come and she could cooperate or we could leave. The words come before I can stop them, I am so mean. She looked so beautiful, I remember how proud I am to call her mine. Emmie looked a lot like her, I wonder what Em would look like at 7 1/2. I go out in the audience to hold our seats. The program has a dedication in it to Cade. I submitted it months ago. "Cayden you were a great Princess Diana! Love, Mom, Dad, Reese and Emmie". I remember having to use Emmie instead of Emerson because there was a limit on letters. Now she is not here. I think I would include her name anyways, is that right, is that wrong, she is still her sister, my daughter, part of our family, nothing is right, easy is no longer in our family dictionary.
A little girl a little bit younger than Emmie comes in and spots her mom down the front. She barrels down the aisle, takes her mom out at the knees, yelling mommy. The tears just stream. I miss my welcomes, I need my baby. Cayden does a great job, she gets all her lines which considering how little I have helped her is really impressive. She is the prettiest girl on the stage. I sit there thinking what should be. I should be taking pictures, I should be so proud of her, I normally look forard to this kind of thing. I love watching my girls succeed, their moment in the sun. Emmie should be sitting on my lap. I should be wrestling her gick into her mouth to keep her quiet. I should be pressing my cheek to hers to calm her, whispering in her ear, bribing her with lollipops. Passing her back and forth to Scott. I know exactly what it would feel like to have her on my lap, exactly the feeling I am missing. At the end of the play parents are invited up to give their children flowers. Cade loves flowers. I actually thought about getting them but my sister and her grandmother were there and I figured one of them would get them so I got her earrings instead. She has been begging for a pair of dangly ones like her friend has. I feel bad she doesn't have a huge bouquet. Her grandmother did buy them for her but left them in the car. I go backstage and get her, I give here the earrings. She loves them and honestly, I am impressed with myself for dragging myself into the store after my therapist appt. the other day to buy them. This is the first time I had to sign a card- what do I write. I REFUSE to leave Em out, should I, is it weird. I signed it "Love, Mom, Dad, Reese and always Emmie."
Today has been hard, every day is hard but the stress of having to leave the house made it hard to hold in. I cried numerous times in front of the kids. Silent tears pretty much stream on and off all day but usually I can hide them at least a little. Cade begs me to stop. At one point I went upstairs to shower and ended up a hyperventilating, choking, wailing mess on the bed. For a long time, until I had no choice but to get in the shower. Scott came up so I know he heard me downstairs, sadly I was holding back, trying to not totally lose it. There have been so many things today that have made me think of Em, not that I am ever, even for a second not. But there was the party at Kidz Planet, the hairdresser, the little girl at the show and then in the 2nd play at the show they kept calling the villain a "bobo". That is what Em would call Cade and Reese when they were being fresh. She would yell "Freeze Bobos" like the monkeys from Dora and Diego. At home I watch this weeks Greys Anatomy. It is the middle of March and they start talking about the Grinch, Whoville and Cindy Lou Who. Emmie wore a grinch outfit for Christmas and we kept calling her Cindy Lou Who- she was soooo cute. One of the lines in Greys was "living is better than dying- until its not"....right now for me, it is not, it is SO not.