This can not be real, how can this have happened. It is like the most horrifying nightmare in the world and I can not wake up. I am going crazy.
I am lying on the couch, where I have been since I got up. I have nothing in me today. Having to go to the play yesterday was all I could do. The kids are eating dinner on the couch. Whatever Scott nuked them. We used to sit at the table as a family every night. We have not had one meal as a family since Emmie died. We are no longer a complete family, how do we sit as one? Cayden is chewing loudly. scraping her fork across the plate. I have repeatedly snapped at her. I am shaking mad. I can not stand it, I can not stand them. I hate my life, I hate that I have to be here. I want my daughter, this is all complete cra_.
Do you have any idea what it is like to live day after day without a shred of happiness, with no hope for the future? With nothing but pain and hurt and sadness and anger. It is the most dismal existence anyone can have. No one should have to live this way. This is why people commit suicide, this is why people make that choice. I so understand their choice. I can not beleive I am at a place that I feel a kindred spirit with someone like that. I am jealous of someone that commits suicide. For that to be an option, to have an end to the pain. I get why people say it is the cowards way out...it hurts so much more to stay and I absolutely would not do that. I can not do that to Cade and Reese so no one needs to worry about me, I am just saying I so very completely and totally get it.
This is entry is not going to say much. I have nothing to say. I can not believe that I had a beautiful 28 month old daughter, and she is just gone. That the little person who my world revolved around is gone. That nothing I can do can bring her back to me. That this is real. That this is the life I have to lead. That this can even happen. My baby girl had sparkling blue eyes, ringlets of brown and red and gold, little vampire teeth. She had the cutest way of speaking, a great sense of humor and boundless energy. She was so smart and had such a zest for life. She knew how to cuddle and kiss and love more than most people ever learn in a lifetime. She was my world. She filled a void in my life that no one has been able to fill. Not Scott, not Cayden and not Reese. Emerson was the one that made me whole, made me glow from within, made my life truly mine. She was the one the made me physically feel my heart grow, the one that warmed me from within, that made me give myself 100%. She was the one that gave me what I have been missing and now even more of me is gone.
I LOVE her so much. I MISS her so much. Every minute I live hurts. Can you imagine what that is like. I have so much. I have a good husband, two other daughters, a baby on the way and even with that the pain is excruciating. To look at them and not see Em is excrutitaing. To live is so painful. I LOVE being a mother. It is the happiest part of my life, really all that matters to me. I have lost that joy. I am awful to my other children, my heart aches from Emmie all day. Living has become a chore. Even if I survive this I will miss Emerson every second for the rest of my life. I will never be as happy. I will never be whole, I have NO chance at whole. EVER.
I remember a closing I did. It was over a year ago. It was a reverse mortgage for a senior citizen down the Cape. She was in her seventies and her son was going to sit in on the closing with us. While we were waiting we made small talk. I asked her how many children she had. She told me 3. Then she said 4. She said I have 4 but my youngest son was killed when he was 7. He was run over in a parking lot. I remember thinking how that must have happened at least 40 years before and she was so sad. I was sad for her. I remember her. I close 100's of loans a year. I do not remember one person from the next. I see them for 45 minutes and never think of them again. I remember her because I remember her story and her sadness. It is so overwhelming to know I will live my days with a sadness. I will never be 100% happy again. I will never have another moment when I think all is right in the world. All will NEVER be alright in my world. EVER.