yesterday was nine months since michael died. it has been a hard week leading up to yesterday. i am not sure why nine months seems to bother me so much...maybe because you have a baby in nine months...maybe because you can plan a wedding in nine months...maybe because in three months it will be a year since michael died. a year! i must be stuck in a time warp because it still feels like it happened yesterday. maybe that is what happens when it is a sudden death like michael's was. i just don't know. i keep searching for answers. i have now learned how to take life "moment to moment". if i think about the rest of my life without michael i will go crazy. i look for the positive in whatever i do...but at the end of the day when i get in that bed alone...i am still so incredibly sad and miss michael's snoring! there are so many things i want to do...sometimes i can do them...sometimes i can't...this business of grieving in a wait and see kind of thing. you have to feel it and there doesn't seem to be anyway of getting out of it. time to clean the house...company is coming soon! i really don't care about a clean house anymore...but a little voice in my head is telling me to clean!

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