10 1/2 weeks is how long you've been gone, honey. I never thought I could make it even this far along without you. I had gotten so used to having you with me and depending on your intelligence, wisdom, and wit that I didn't know that I could survive at all without you. And yes, I am surviving. By no definition am I thriving - but I'm surviving.
I miss you more today than so many weeks ago. And yes, just as others have told me, going on without you has just gotten harder in so many ways. I still wait to hear you come through the door and tell me how much you've missed me since you've been gone so long. I know it isn't going to happen but part of me wishes for it so very much.
When I think back on the time we had together I keep thinking that it just wasn't long enough. I don't know if it ever could have been enough, but I da*n sure know that it wasn't. We had just short of four happily married years. I could have put up with you and your corny jokes for so many more years to come. But I won't get to now.
Sometimes when I'm crying I want to tell myself to straighten up. I want to know if I'm crying because I miss you or if I'm crying for you - for the fact that your life was cut short and you weren't done living it yet. Am I crying because I selfishly miss your love, or am I crying for all of the people that don't have you in their lives anymore? Am I crying for the things that you'll never get to see or do? Some times the lines are blurred between my selfishness and total heartache. I feel as though I'm crying for all of these reasons. That you and I are truly a "couple" and that I feel the pain of your life being cut too short, and that you feel my loneliness and heartache even now.
And I cry.