So i am sitting in office. Not much work today and i feel so lost in my life it is not funny. My father passed away 2 months ago and i was his primary caretaker for one year. I am a 23-year-old woman.
I stare blankly at this screen wondering where i am going in my life. My father was my rock in a way. Now i feel adrift.
I am doing fine though. not as bad one would imagine. But still there is a sadness sitting inside of me that refuses to leave.
I miss my father. I cannot believe i will never ever see his face again. He is gone.
There is a vacuum in life now. the house is empty. Just me and my mom, trying to create some normalcy in life. but the house was his and it doesn't feel like home anymore. Everything in this house is my father's. Everything is a painful reminder of him. his life on earth.
I sometimes just don't want to return home from work. I feel there is nothing to go back to. The house that once was a home is just a reminder of the life i used to have with my father.
Sometimes i get flashes of when he was really sick and when he was on the ventilator, i do not know what to do with these images in m mind. I try to shake them off and focus on something else. But almost always those flashes leave a painful stab in my heart.
My friends are sympathetic but they just do not understand. How do i explain to them caregiver's grief. A term even i wasn't familiar with until recently.
Anyway, i am still here and my life goes on. Things are good. I miss you Dad. I love you.