i have changed, i miss my father.

So i am sitting in office. Not much work today and i feel so lost in my life it is not funny. My father passed away 2 months ago and i was his primary caretaker for one year. I am a 23-year-old woman.
I stare blankly at this screen wondering where i am going in my life. My father was my rock in a way. Now i feel adrift.
I am doing fine though. not as bad one would imagine. But still there is a sadness sitting inside of me that refuses to leave.
I miss my father. I cannot believe i will never ever see his face again. He is gone.

There is a vacuum in life now. the house is empty. Just me and my mom, trying to create some normalcy in life. but the house was his and it doesn't feel like home anymore. Everything in this house is my father's. Everything is a painful reminder of him. his life on earth.

I sometimes just don't want to return home from work. I feel there is nothing to go back to. The house that once was a home is just a reminder of the life i used to have with my father.

Sometimes i get flashes of when he was really sick and when he was on the ventilator, i do not know what to do with these images in m mind. I try to shake them off and focus on something else. But almost always those flashes leave a painful stab in my heart.
My friends are sympathetic but they just do not understand. How do i explain to them caregiver's grief. A term even i wasn't familiar with until recently.

Anyway, i am still here and my life goes on. Things are good. I miss you Dad. I love you.

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Comment by vinay on May 18, 2010 at 10:14pm: The Father-child relationship is the defining factor of the fatherhood role, in life some time we are very lucky we have our father but think for some time some buddy have not they are alone but they have to improve and prove them self That is really very good article. I am glad to know. Thanks!

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Comment by Leighanna on May 13, 2010 at 2:47pm: I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't know if this advice would help or not, but I thought I'd throw the idea out in case you hadn't thought of it. You mentioned that everything in the house is your father's and that it is a painful kind of reminder. I am sure since you loved your dad so much and he loved you so much, he would not want you to feel hurt - though of course hurt is inevitable and I'm in no way trying to say you should cease acknowledging your feelings. Anyway my idea is that maybe you could refresh the house, make it more your own, and dedicate a room or an area to your dad's memory. That way you can find comfort and solace in your home, where you can relax after a hard day's work or a hard day full of emotion, yet if you feel you want to approach your father's belongings/mementos/photos etc., you still can.

BTW My father passed away the month before I turned 16, in 2001.