I think this site has reached the point where it's doing more harm than good for me. Up until today it has been helpful in various ways to read the posts of others, and see how others are coping. Maybe occasionally contribute something helpful.

Today I realized that it's possible for me to actually get angry when reading and replying to posts here, which means that it's time to leave. With all the cr*p that's going on in my life, in dealing with Dan's loss, I don't need to read posts saying that because I'm not mired in deep depression and wailing about how every day is so miserable, I must not have loved my husband as much as someone else loved hers.

I am working very hard to rebuild my life, to turn it into something that I can actually deal with waking up to every morning. Trying to find new meaning and new purpose and yes, some happiness. Will it be the same as it would have been with Dan? No. Of course not. But I have to believe that I can be happy again, and I have to try to reach that point. Otherwise I may as well just put a bullet in my brain and be done with it, because I'm not enough of a masochist to want to spend the next 40+ years of my life in misery.

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Comment by Suzanne on May 15, 2010 at 9:44pm
Dear Chris B,
I looked back at my reply to Lois and realized what you think I meant, but I said it wrong. It was all my fault. I repeated what I said to Lois in this reply in another post and I forgot to mention in my reply TO HER that I THINK whoever lives life to the fullest (and I forgot to mention the word SOON) after their spouse dies must not have loved their spouse but I didn't mean everybody and I most certainly didn't mean you. I was trying not to name names. I don't think I love my husband more than anyone else. I'm so sorry I messed up. Lois sent me a reply to a post I wrote before and I was addressing this thought only to HER. Please forgive me for seeming to be so crude. I think maybe I shouldn't vent my feelings because it is supposed to be a support group, so please don't leave. I feel terrible that you think I meant that and I would never be able to live with myself for someone losing the support so I will just read posts and not write any posts here at legacy.com as I have other sites and I post my feelings and they all just say things like I'm sorry for your loss, post your feelings any time, and now that I read your post I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't do that so that others can heal from their grief. I really, really will not post. Please don't leave on account of me. It wouldn't be fair to you.
Suzanne
Comment by Suzanne on May 15, 2010 at 9:04pm
What I said in my post wasn't meant for you, Chris. I beg you to reconsider.
Suzanne
Comment by Chris B on May 15, 2010 at 8:44pm
Leaving is my choice, because I don't find the site helpful anymore.

Whether or not anyone else leaves or stays, posts or not, is their choice, one that everyone must make for themselves.
Comment by Hurting on May 15, 2010 at 5:04pm
Chris Hi! First of all I am terribly sorry for your loss. My husband left me on Dec 23, 2009 around 4:35p.m.. I had talked to him same day at 2:30 p.m. and he was fine. I came back home from work at 5:30 p.m. and my son took me to the hospital. To make it short he had silent heart attack at 4:35 p.m. and didn't even get a chance to call for help. My youngest son who is 15 yrs old found him and my oldest son who is 24 yrs old gave him CPR till ambulance arrived. When I got to the hospital I saw him and was told that they never could revive him. To say that I was shocked it would be a understatement. I don't have to tell you that part since all of us are experiencing it. In the hospital I had my three sons looking at my face and I could see that they were so afraid. Right then I decided that my life is for my kids. I could have had a attack myself but then who would take care of my kids. Till today I have not gone in depression for the sake of my kids. Of course I am angry with God and I think I am entitled to it. I talk about him with my kids, we all do. But I don't cry for him in front of them of course I miss him and I will. I think what I am trying to say probably not succeeding as well as English is my second language (hindi is my first) that we all grieve our own way. I don't think I would want to suffer for the rest of my life and I don't my husband would want me to suffer either. You have to deal with things as you feel appropriate. Please don't feel bad as everybody are hurting and sometimes we do make mistake. I know this site is helping me and if you want you could only take it partly that helps you heal. My prayers are with you. Sincerely - somebody who knows pain.
Comment by Suzanne on May 15, 2010 at 4:30pm
Dear Chris,
Please don't leave. I'd feel terrible if you did. I won't post anymore. I promise. PLEASE don't go.
Take care,
Suzanne

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