Lost My Jim of 38 years,hard to make new life without him ,trying

Comment by M Walden just now
Delete Comment Husband Jim, 38 yrs,passed 1-24-09 Mal.Brain Tumor.Fought hard and lived 22 months.I left my job to be his complete caregiver.Brain Surgery,Lifetime Rad.then Avastin Chemo.Finally no cancer for 3 MRI's.Drs.stopped treatment for 24 weeks and Jim was doing so well.But I worried still.He lost an Aunt and Brother same tumor.Dec,2008 he changed quickly and was gone Jan.24th.My guilt comes from not pressing the Drs to do one more round of chemo to make sure it was gone,not a second opinion and cruising along with them knowing how dangerous it could be if it came back.He went from catching fish to not swallowing,nausea,lethargic within days,we began treatment again but it was in half his head then.The Dr met me at the Hospital and said "did you call anyone?"Then Jim was gone. I loathe myself and even though I work 12 hr a day and move forward I am so sad and hurt I failed to recognize or ask more of his Drs and at least got their reply of if another round of chemo could be given.Drs at Duke Brain Institute say stop torturing yourself just be glad for what you had.Thoughts

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Comment by Donna Braddock on October 29, 2011 at 6:55pm
Hi Ms. Walden, my heart truely hurts for you. I lost my husband on March 22nd of this year. This is the 2nd husband I've lost. Our son was 11 years old when his daddy left us. I finished raising him by myself. I didn't want to force feed him a step father and not be sure how it would go. My son is now 33 and in the US ARMY and has done 3 tours of Iraq. I was glad he got to be home when his step dad passed,  It seem to close the oldn wound wheb his father passed.  He is my only child and now I'm truely alone. He has a family to take care of and they say I need to find my own way to live.  I don't know what to do or where to go. I"m falling apart and no one can help me. This is on me now. Like you, I have alot of quilt with the death of both of my husbands. They both died in my arms but the one that died from cancer was the worse. By the time it was over 18 months from diagnose to him passing, he weighed 68 lbs.  I got in the bed with him and held him and wispered sweet things in his ear. Like getting me to go skinny dipping in the turtle pond by his house.  I was so scared but i did it.  I don't like the day time any more. I'd rather sleep so it don't hurt so bad.  Something has snapped off in my brain and I cant seem to get it back to normal.  I don't know what to do or what to say anymore. Thank you for being brave enough to come here and talk. At least it lead me here too.. 
Comment by M Walden on June 18, 2010 at 12:53pm
Shannon , thank you for reaching out. It takes that. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your Dear Jonathon.No words can comfort that Honey. Sunday on Father's day would have been our 39th.Eleven is so young to have suffered so much. Your grief like mine I don't believe will heal with time as they say but time just helps.You have my prayers. That is what has brought me this far.I was in a Grief Fog for over a year. Slowly I began to not move on but move forward.Yours is so new and raw I know. Write me anytime...I have not lost a child but I will listen,take care of yourself you are still important even if we don't feel that way to ourselves...but others who love us are praying for our survival through the pain.God Bless you...he will..but sometimes he wants us to ask him about our needs..or I have found it to be this way for me I will say. I just landed a new job today.A year ago i couldn't have even filled out the application...takes time but we have no choice but to try...and Shannon..do you think if Jonathon could speak to you now...would he say "Mom, I want you to be ok ? I think any child would ,it hurts them to know parents aren't happy I believe. Love you Dear.
Comment by shannon on June 18, 2010 at 1:34am
hi name is shannon i just lost my son due to brain cancer he was cancer free f0r 7half yrs he passrd on mar,02,2010 i very lost without him he was only 11 yrs old i cry everyday miss him my life feels heart broken its been only 3 months since he been gone feel free to drop me line take care

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