I just walked in the door. Dad, Reesie and Cayden were on the couch. I said "hi", I heard nothing. No one even responded. NOTHING. All I could think on my way up the front stairs is that there would be no little feet running at me squealing "mama's home, mama's home, I missed you so much mama", no little arms wrapping around my legs in a hug of pure love, no one scrambling to get picked up to tell me that "I love you so much mama, so much". No one that would so excitedly share with the rest of the family that Mama was in fact home, as if they were missing out on the greatest thing in the world. No one that loves me like you, no one that makes it all worth it, no reason to be here without you baby girl, you were it for me, my everything, always. I want you to grab my hand and drag me to the couch for a cuddle. I WANT you.
I miss you so much, the pain is like nothing anyone should ever have to live through. I NEED you back, I NEED you here. How did this happen. HOW? HOW is mama supposed to go on without you. I HATE the world, what kind of place is it that a beautiful, healthy, loved child can be taken from her mama while she is safely asleep? WHY would anyone want to stay in that kind of place, I don't, not without you. When you were here I saw the beauty of a spring day, a gentle breeze, my family. Even when things were stressful, I would stop and think, nice weather, I have beautiful girls, I was grateful. I had YOU.
I am lying on the couch watching some stupid sitcom. The family of 5 is staying in a hotel room together. It makes me think of you. Everything is you, every thought is you, you BELONG here. Whenever we traveled we would bring your pack n play. It is still in my trunk, your seat is still in your spot in the car, there is a gicky in it waiting for you. You would have outgrown the pack n play soon, it was almost time to stat thinking of a bed for you. I wonder how we would have slept in the hotel room then. Anyways, I remember Disney, Amelia Island, the Cape, the Campground, we always set you up so you were safe, nothing dangerous you could get your little hands on, always close to mama, safe and sound with your blankie and gicky. I think about going to CT to meet Seamus last summer, remember we went to the amusement park? We all stayed in the hotel that night. Me and Cade in one bed, Dada and Reese in the other. Your pack n play right next to my side, ALWAYS. That is where I want you baby, right next to me. I carry you there, do you know that, EVERYWHERE I go, EVERY thought I think, you are with me. ALWAYS with me, but it is not enough. I need you in my arms, on my hip, in my heart is not enough. How do I deal with that sweet pea, I miss you and love you with every cell in my body, every breath in my lungs, every beat of my shattered heart. I don't know how to be here without you baby mama loves you and needs you SO much.