I am a failure. I have always tried not to fail, to get good grades, be a good friend a good wife, a good mother, a good employee. But I am faced with the fact that I have failed. The ultimate failure is my daughter is not alive, she died, of no cause, no one can tell me what happened, why at 28 months my beautiful little girl did not wake up, she does not get to live and I failed her. Every single day I feel that failure in the fact that she is no longer here. I should be slathering her and sunblock and planning a day at the beach and instead she is DEAD, I will never see her, feel her, hear her again. She is missing out on her life. I am failing my other children, they are hurting and missing their sister and have questions I can not answer. I try so hard to be the mom they know but I am not her, I am heartbroken and barely functioning, everything I do for thiem is with a heavy heart, they know I am not me, I am failing them. I am failing as a wife, Scott was so upset last night, I know he needed something from me, support, a hug and I couldn't give it to him. I am barely holding on to my own sanity, it is a thread that is stretched and about to break, there is nothing to give. I could have gone to him but that would have been it, I am too broken, I would not have come back, so I laid there and watched him suffer his pain alone. I had to protect myself. He was not alone, I have the same pain but I could not reach out, it would have been the end of me so I failed him too.
Every morning I am so upset when I wake up. I can not believe Emerson is not here, I can not believe that I am. I do not want to be. HOW can this be real? THis morning it is worse because on top of the crushing weight of loss I have the crushing weight of failure, last night, seeing Scott just added to the number of people I have let down. What does it mean when you try your hardest at everything and get it all wrong? What do I do, why even try? I tried, I thought I did it all right, I really did....and here I am. I do not know myself, I am losing friends, jobs, family and most of all I do not have Emerson in my arms, I have no way back to her. And if my life is going to be lived without her than my entire life has FAILED.
I am living my BIGGEST fear, my BIGGEST nightmare, something so unimaginably horrible that it should not be able to come true. I am literally living a life that sounds made up. Think, if you asked your dr., your child's dr., your therapist "I am worried that my 2 year old child will die in her sleep of no cause, am I crazy?"...They would ALL say YES because this DOES NOT HAPPEN. Strong, loved, healthy little bodies that are nurtured and loved DO NOT just stop, not without warning, illness, accident, so what happened? HOW did I get here? THIS is my biggest fear in life, something happening to one of my children and here I am..AND it could happen again. Emerson should be here. She is loved, beautiful, smart, sweet and soooo funny and she is gone, why not Cayden, Reese, the baby? There is no control and no guarantees and with such a failure taking "care" of them surely they are even more at risk.
HOW do I continue on, HOW? My heart is broken, my strength is gone, I have no hope. Without my little Emma Lou life just does not matter. I love the girls but they would be better off without me.