It is three month now! I feel this nightmare is not ending for me 'just being here' without my Baby Fernando. I am still figuring out what I supposed to do, apart from making everyone aware of Lung Cancer and wanting to fight against the medical establishment. But what about Fernando and me we suppose to be together forever growing old so we can see our children bringing up our grandchildren and then we can fulfill the duty we so looked forward to 'spoiling' our gandkids rotten and smile when our children ask for advise on their our gandchildren. The travelling and we wanted to discover us again after spending like donkeys on working to get a good life! WHAT HAPPEND TO OUR SIMPLE DREAM!!! I wanted to share this with my love of my live but now I have to tell him everthing what happend when we meet again looking into his eyes and I bet he wanted to be there for his daddy's girl wedding and the birth (not actual birht giving)))) of the grandchildren. He wanted to see his son growing up from a boy to a man. I want him with me and I miss him so much. Although I am trying to do the best for my children not to cry, I can not feel that by not crying they will be one of these people who keep it in and I think that is wrong. I have good and bad days, no let me correct it I have bad and worse to horrible days but you would never guess because I keep it in smiling talking to people for the fact that I do not want a counsellor or anyond to meddle! I just do not understand people who came up and do not have a clue how it feels that your future you thought you had is ... ? They make me upset and crazy, I just want to grief and people stop telling me live has to go on this is .... I am in love always and forever. Why did he go? I LOVE YOU MY ITALIAN STALLION FERNANDO SANTINI.