It is three month now! I feel this nightmare is not ending for me 'just being here' without my Baby Fernando. I am still figuring out what I supposed to do, apart from making everyone aware of Lung Cancer and wanting to fight against the medical establishment. But what about Fernando and me we suppose to be together forever growing old so we can see our children bringing up our grandchildren and then we can fulfill the duty we so looked forward to 'spoiling' our gandkids rotten and smile when our children ask for advise on their our gandchildren. The travelling and we wanted to discover us again after spending like donkeys on working to get a good life! WHAT HAPPEND TO OUR SIMPLE DREAM!!! I wanted to share this with my love of my live but now I have to tell him everthing what happend when we meet again looking into his eyes and I bet he wanted to be there for his daddy's girl wedding and the birth (not actual birht giving)))) of the grandchildren. He wanted to see his son growing up from a boy to a man. I want him with me and I miss him so much. Although I am trying to do the best for my children not to cry, I can not feel that by not crying they will be one of these people who keep it in and I think that is wrong. I have good and bad days, no let me correct it I have bad and worse to horrible days but you would never guess because I keep it in smiling talking to people for the fact that I do not want a counsellor or anyond to meddle! I just do not understand people who came up and do not have a clue how it feels that your future you thought you had is ... ? They make me upset and crazy, I just want to grief and people stop telling me live has to go on this is .... I am in love always and forever. Why did he go? I LOVE YOU MY ITALIAN STALLION FERNANDO SANTINI.

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Comment by Fernandohulya on June 15, 2010 at 3:04pm
All the time and everywhere. I keep expecting him back anytime walking throught he door and telling me it is a joke. Oh, my! I look in the rooms to catch a glimpse, of what I do not know? In his garage or yard? My dreams are really weired and mostly I am so wanting dreaming about him and nothing, total darkness. I want to be with him. Why? I do not want him to be ... he loved to be alive and live. I want him back by my side. What is the point I am in pain and feel nothing around me!!! I just want this to stop!!! I am waiting to be with him once again forever this time!!!
Comment by Basia on June 15, 2010 at 12:11pm
Do you find yourself waiting for something? As if I am just waiting for him to come home. I know he in not coming, but I am waiting anyways. What am I waiting for? Do you wait too?
Comment by Fernandohulya on June 7, 2010 at 3:24pm
Today, I have gone a bit mad and it seems to get worse not better. This saying of with time the wounds heal, what a loud of rubbish. Somtimes I really wonder why I bother with this world. Nothing makes sense now. Fernando did not came back, I know he pas... but I am waiting for something because he really was a saint. YOU ARE SO RIGHT IT NEVER ENDS AND NEVER EVER WILL. Antother day has passed without him, I think what a waste. When I read your post it is like reading my mind. What can I do. This appearance for the kids is not always in place I have moments that I am so upset with because Fernando would be annoyed with me so much. It is so hard to make the children understand but they are grieving too. Basia, why??????
Comment by Basia on June 7, 2010 at 12:33pm
it hurts so bad , and it doesn't ever end, does it?

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