I lost my faith, and it hasnt returned

Aug.3rd, 2006. I lost my only sibling. My sister Sheila. It was a sudden illness, and she managed to hold on for 2 weeks, but, her body could take no more and she lost her battle to live. This is the same day that I lost my desire to believe in God.
I look back on what I believed in, and the picture others have in their heads of him, and it seems almost ridiculous. I cant believe that I ever worshipped something that could be so cruel. How could a loving God let my sis or my family go through that? I have been told time and again that he needed her in heaven. That sounds selfish too, because he can have anyone, and he took her. Does he need to be worshipped soooo bad that he is willing to let those of us he supposedly created and loves so much, suffer only to die. A loving God would let us die peacefully to be with him. Why traumatize us. His lessons? Why do we need to learn how to hurt so badly that everyday is hell, in the beginning, and then softens to acceptable, at best , later on.
Im ok wth the fact that I had my sis, and then lost her. She was here, now she isnt, and I cherish like gold all the memories and minutes I spent with her. But, they're gone now. I loved her. I LOVE her. And, I will never see her face again. I miss her more than anything in life. But, Im not willing to candy coat it with belief in a magical kingdom. I just want to accept it for what it is. Finality of Existence.

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