so is this how it is going to be?I miss my dad everyday and it hurts like hell. I look at his pictures and cannot stop crying. He died on 27 feb 2010. It has been 3 and a half months already but i feel like i am stuck on 27 Feb. 8:15am,my life stopped. The life that i knew, gone. Evaporated into nothing in one minute.
He was on the ventilator for a week before he passed away, writhing and unconscious. He did open his eyes one day and was conscious for 1 day. The doctor told us to take it as a temporary gift.
So there we were, my dad conscious on the bed,his eyes open. He was drugged ofcourse cause he had a Tube in his mouth and a million other tubes sticking into him.My sis and i just stared at him for hours and kept telling him how much we loved him. And suddenly, i don't know why my dad looked at my sister and i standing over him and he smiled. He smiled! He had a tube in his mouth for god sakes n yet he managed a smile. His eyes twinkled up and the corners of his mouth wrinkled up. This strong,brave man on his deathbed, writhing in pain and his own blood, SMILED at us. It was almost as if he was trying to reassure us. That things will be ok and not be so worried and sad.
That is how much he loved us. That is how much we were loved. He was our dad, good ol protective, daddy big bear. Even on his deathbed, i felt he was trying to take care of us.
I have a million other stories from the past one year that i do not know what to do with. I keep going over them in my mind. Watching dad struggle and watching his health decline has left me a changed person. But have i changed for the better or worse?
What am i supposed to learn from all this?Can't it be like a movie where the protagonist has a hard time in the beginning but by the end of it he has learnt all his lessons. Everything is tucked into neat packages and the movie ends on a happy note.
What am i supposed to learn from all this?I keep searching for answers i cannot find. Why go through something you have no idea what to do with. How can this make me a better person?HOW god how?Where is the meaning in all this.
I have no answers for now.