MISSING MY MOMMY MY BEST FRIEND

MY MOM WAS MY BEST FRIEND SHE WOULD CALL ME AT LEAST 5 TIMES A DAY, NOW MY PHONE DONT RING ANYMORE! MY MOM PASSED AWAY SUDDENLY AT THE AGE OF 52, SHE WAS IN HER BED NEXT TO MY DAD, WHO FOUND HER MAY 17, 2010 AT 3AM. I WAS JUST LAYING DOWM IN BED BECAUSE I WORK NIGHTS WHEN I GOT THE PHONE CALL MY YOUNGER BROTHER SCREAMING TELLING ME TO COME TO MOMS HOUSE. HE JUST SAID SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH MOM GET HERE NOW. I WAS SO SCARED SHAKING CRYING DRIVING TO MY MOMS HOUSE. WHEN I GOT TO THE CORNER I SEEN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT DRIVING AWAY AND POLICE ALL AROUND. I GOT THERE AND MY DAD WAS CRYING I KNEW MY MOM WAS GONE. THE POLICE WERE TREATING IT LIKE A CRIME SEEN, SO I HAD TO WAIT TO SEE HER AND WHEN I DID I WISH I WOULDNT HAVE SHE WAS LAYING UNDER HER BLANKETS HER MOUTH WAS OPEN SHE HAD TROUBLE SWOLLOING HER MIDNIGHT SNACK MY DAD DID NOT HEAR HER STRUGGLE. HE FEELS GUILTY, I TRY TO COMFURT HIM BUT I CANT TALK ABOUT MY MOM WITH OUT CRYING I FEEL LIKE A TRIGGER TO EVERYONE ELSE'S TEARS SO I TRY NOT TO STRESS ANYONE OUT BY NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP AND I HAVE BAD PANIC ATTACKS. I FEEL SO ALONE EVEN THOW I HAVE MY HOLE FAMILY AROUND ME, IM SO SAD SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I CAN BARELY BREATH. I JUST WANT TO BE ME AGAIN AND I DONT KNOW HOW? HOW TO BE HAPPY? I MISS MY MOMMY SO MUCH.

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Comment by Rita on July 7, 2010 at 5:31pm
I just wanted to tell you that my heart went out to you when i read your missing your mommy comment. I, too, lost my best friend 18 years ago. I understand the sadness, the tears, the gut wrenching agony, the panic attacks and the feeling of how to live without your mom. For me, the first two years were the worst-I lived with her constantly on my mind and in my heart and like you expect to hear her voice, I expected to get letters from my mom. I even began to hate the mailbox because it no longer carried her messages of encouragement. Still worse, she died when I was 3 months pregnant with my first child (I still have her last letter where she talks about my little bundle of joy). My mom was 57 years old when my brother came over to tell me the news. I didn't wait til morning to take the 4 hour trip to get to my parents house (maybe an hour) and the closer I got the harder I cried. Then to see my father crying at the kitchen sink almost ripped my heart out of my body. I didn't see her til the public viewing and then I wanted to crawl inside the casket with her and die with her. I don't know how I made it without her all these years but I have. I have had some very joyous days and some very bad ones. So, I guess, what I'm trying to tell you is that sooner or later you will be okay and these feelings you have now will past. I don't mean to sound mean or hurtful in anyway because I know it is hard, very hard to have hope that you won't always feel this way. I did alot of crying, then I shut up because I felt like noone wanted to talk about mom anymore, did more crying, couldn't look at Hallmark cards because I would cry, avoided yellow roses (her favorite), I would cry if I heard a song she liked (I didn't even like country music then), cried when my son would sleep like her, etc. I felt like I was insane for a while. I guess time had a lot to do with getting over her death. Now, I listen to country music--her favorites, not the new stuff. It comforts me. I have learned how to cook my fav meal of hers and it tastes really good. I look at pictures of her laughing and having a good time. I've even taken over some of her sayings like "Keep your chin up" and "Turn down that noise you call music". I hope in some way with me sharing my story will help you. You are not alone. If you are able to visit her grave site, I encourage you to do so and tell her everything on your mind. If not, just talk to her picture or something that reminds you of her. I still miss my mom but it's not that emotional intense missing like you are going through right now. The intense missing will get easier, I promise you. Try to "keep your chin up" and look forward to the life you have ahead of you. Don't worry that you might trigger everyone's elses tears. Crying is a good stress reliver and one day you'll be smiling and laughing instead of crying. Take care Mary.

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