We just passed the one year ANGELVERSARY of Joeys passing *sigh*, Im still alive, It has passed so fast, it seems like yesterday but then when I think of the last time I saw him when he was leaving that day it seems like a million years ago...I miss him so much : ' (
I had a BBQ in his memory on Sat., the Deacon that said his mass was there, he gave a blessing, he also gave me a personal blessing, he is such a great man. Tuesday night (the actual one year) we went and got 50 white balloons for all of us (We get 22 every single month since his accident and we let them off, I dont want his friends to forget him, we usually have about 20 people show up) We tied the balloons to the fence to wait until 7 PM, we were all standing around talking and """SWOOSH""" there goes 25 balloons, they somehow came untied and escaped! we were stunned, so we retied the 25 we had left and we were all trying to figure out how it happened, next thing we knew """SWOOSH""" the other 25 went up up up... We didnt know what we were going to do at this point! So one of Joeys good friends went to Safeway and had them blow up 50 red balloons, they were beautiful, but all of a sudden I got this overbearing saddness come over me, I went upstairs to my bedroom and locked everyone out, It was because i didnt want any negative thoughts or words and when the balloons flew off everyone was mad and blaming eachother, I couldnt take it so off I went, I had a good cry and I told them to leave me alone and just let the balloons go, they did a little speach, I didnt hear it, and they went to the middle of the street (they stopped traffic, we do that every month too) and they let the balloons go.... I went out on my back porch and got to watch them fly up and out of site....after almost everyone left I went downstairs, i felt relief from crying, and we were outside and one of his friends came out of the house and said "Ma, theres like 20 red balloons in the kitchen!" they had only grabbed 30 ballons for some reason and so I got to let off balloons after all!!!! i think Joey had a hand in that, I think he knew I was upset, it was just so strange, it was peaceful, nobody spoke, we watched them go up and there was wind but they went straight up, I watched them until I couldnt see them anymore. OK, so I am just letting you know that I made it through, I am still here, Some days I dont want to be, but I know I have to wait until it is my time, I dont go around being depressing to people, I know a few mothers that Ive met that just cant hold it together, and I hear other people say they cant be around them, so I hold it together 99% of the time because I need these people in my life, I know it isnt for everyone, but it works for me. I figure, ONE DAY GONE, ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING WITH MY SON... I need to make the best of these days, my son wouldnt want me to be a depressing person, he would hate it when I would get in a mood, he just couldnt stand it! So I am trying people, I miss him with my entire being, I love him heart and soul, I wish i could erase that day from the calender so that it never existed. To those that are just starting this terrible journey, I am so sorry, I was where you are now, we all were, we are all still here, you will survive and it doesnt mean that you dont love your child with all you are, it just means that when it is your time you will be together and it will be like a blink of an eye for them when we see them... I CANT WAIT! I hold each and every grieving parent in a deep hiding place in my heart, you all have a special place there along with your beautiful children, My love goes out to you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry if it is scattered, I just get emotional whenever I write about my baby.