We just passed the one year ANGELVERSARY of Joeys passing *sigh*, Im still alive, It has passed so fast, it seems like yesterday but then when I think of the last time I saw him when he was leaving that day it seems like a million years ago...I miss him so much : ' (
I had a BBQ in his memory on Sat., the Deacon that said his mass was there, he gave a blessing, he also gave me a personal blessing, he is such a great man. Tuesday night (the actual one year) we went and got 50 white balloons for all of us (We get 22 every single month since his accident and we let them off, I dont want his friends to forget him, we usually have about 20 people show up) We tied the balloons to the fence to wait until 7 PM, we were all standing around talking and """SWOOSH""" there goes 25 balloons, they somehow came untied and escaped! we were stunned, so we retied the 25 we had left and we were all trying to figure out how it happened, next thing we knew """SWOOSH""" the other 25 went up up up... We didnt know what we were going to do at this point! So one of Joeys good friends went to Safeway and had them blow up 50 red balloons, they were beautiful, but all of a sudden I got this overbearing saddness come over me, I went upstairs to my bedroom and locked everyone out, It was because i didnt want any negative thoughts or words and when the balloons flew off everyone was mad and blaming eachother, I couldnt take it so off I went, I had a good cry and I told them to leave me alone and just let the balloons go, they did a little speach, I didnt hear it, and they went to the middle of the street (they stopped traffic, we do that every month too) and they let the balloons go.... I went out on my back porch and got to watch them fly up and out of site....after almost everyone left I went downstairs, i felt relief from crying, and we were outside and one of his friends came out of the house and said "Ma, theres like 20 red balloons in the kitchen!" they had only grabbed 30 ballons for some reason and so I got to let off balloons after all!!!! i think Joey had a hand in that, I think he knew I was upset, it was just so strange, it was peaceful, nobody spoke, we watched them go up and there was wind but they went straight up, I watched them until I couldnt see them anymore. OK, so I am just letting you know that I made it through, I am still here, Some days I dont want to be, but I know I have to wait until it is my time, I dont go around being depressing to people, I know a few mothers that Ive met that just cant hold it together, and I hear other people say they cant be around them, so I hold it together 99% of the time because I need these people in my life, I know it isnt for everyone, but it works for me. I figure, ONE DAY GONE, ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING WITH MY SON... I need to make the best of these days, my son wouldnt want me to be a depressing person, he would hate it when I would get in a mood, he just couldnt stand it! So I am trying people, I miss him with my entire being, I love him heart and soul, I wish i could erase that day from the calender so that it never existed. To those that are just starting this terrible journey, I am so sorry, I was where you are now, we all were, we are all still here, you will survive and it doesnt mean that you dont love your child with all you are, it just means that when it is your time you will be together and it will be like a blink of an eye for them when we see them... I CANT WAIT! I hold each and every grieving parent in a deep hiding place in my heart, you all have a special place there along with your beautiful children, My love goes out to you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry if it is scattered, I just get emotional whenever I write about my baby.
<3<3<3

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Comment by Tami on July 31, 2010 at 11:18pm
I have to admit that I didnt want to do Christmas, My Daughter put up our tree and it just seemed so out of place, but it made her smile, I still had all of Joeys ornaments in the box and it was hard seeing them up on the tree....But like I always say, I LIVED THROUGH IT! I know the firsts are so hard, but it is just another day really, All days just meld together, I volunteered myself to cook on Thanksgiving and on Christmas, It helped! I wasnt just sitting around thinking of what it should be like, I missed him terribly but I had to stay focused, I had a lot of people coming for dinner.
Yes there are 600 too many parents on here, but I am glad that they have found this site, I swear it helped me so much talking to others and being able to spill my guts and not worry that they would think I was going nutso.
I am here for you, my Email address is Atonsgirl@aol.com keep it if you ever need to talk.
Hugs to you and your Family.
Comment by Susan - Donny's Mom on July 31, 2010 at 11:05pm
Just happened to check into the website and look at the total number of families that are now joined to your site. 600.....gosh when I joined it was in the 300's....
Sad that so many families and especially mom's that have to be feeeling what we are feeling. Some of these children were only children and I just feel so bad for the struggling single moms with no family to help them through this sad journey.
Hope all is well with you....summer is busy so that is good for all of us. The winter is gonna be tough for me....that will be the "year mark"....not looking forward to that time that is coming.
Hugs
Comment by Tami on July 12, 2010 at 12:16pm
I lived on Dos Rios, we moved there when there was still open land, It is so different now. I did see your pictures, what a beautiful family, I am so happy for you that you have his 3 children to live on as part of him! I wish I had that with Joey! If you can talk about it would you mind writing me a little email and telling me how he passed? atonsgirl@aol.com
I love that all his friends still write on his page, I have been finding things, like the memory stick in his camera, it has some very short videos of him, his voice and the funny things he used to do, I watched it once but cant bring myself to watch it again, I had a life video made too, I havent been able to watch it again... Its even hard for me to look at pictures, even though I have them all over the place! We will never forget them. They were our Babies no matter how old they are!
Hugs to you and please keep in touch!
Comment by Susan - Donny's Mom on July 12, 2010 at 12:03pm
How funny....we live in Twin Creeks on Totana Court. And my son lived in Dublin on Silvergate.
His name is Donny....check out my personal page. That was one of the last photo's we had of our group. He still has a Facebook page and his friends are on it all the time. He was the first young person to leave so this really affected this age group (39-40). I love reading his page !!! I have a daughter (TamiSu) who hacked into his page by figuring out what his password would be and added any of his friends or my friends that want to read the postings. It just really warms my heart that so many keep thinking of him all the time. He worked at PGE and 100 men/women showed up at his memorial and stood up in honor of him. There was over 500 who attended the service in Livermore. We had a "life movie" made for it but I haven't been able to watch it since.....don't know if I can really....
I would love to get together some time....lunch, coffee, drink, whatever....
I am just so thankful you had the presence of mind to think of this website.
And sad to say when I joined there were 364 parents that lost children. Now there are two hundred more parents since Dec. Breaks my heart....
But at least we all can go into this website and vent.....everyone here knows the deep pain we feel.....thanks again....and let's keep in touch and maybe grab a time...
Comment by Tami on July 11, 2010 at 11:39pm
I used to live in San Ramon, Twin Creeks, and Dublin, I have lived all over Contra Costa,I have a lot of friends over that way! Been in Martinez for 12 years or so.... The Christmas tree is really special, I feel they can see the light from Heaven! I bought most of the ornaments at the dollar tree, they have beautiful stuff there if you look around, I am going to do it again this year. Its good to talk to someone that lives close, it seems like everyone lives out of state or really far.
When I do the balloons every month, its usually whoever shows up, We usually end up with about 15 to 20 people, I always get 22 balloons (that is the date he left me) We basically just stand around out front and talk about anything and around 8 PM we let them off, thats it, then everyone leaves, or if its a weekend there are stragglers, but I usually go inside.
I just feel it keeps his memory alive to these kids, they had lost another friend a year before and it was like they never mentioned him again, I didnt want that for my son. Maybe we can meet someday.
My love to you and your Son. (What is his name?)
P.S. Im sure they are friends, my Son never met a person that he didnt make friends with!
Comment by Susan - Donny's Mom on July 11, 2010 at 8:46pm
Hi Tami....that is a great idea about the little tree. We live close together.
I live in San Ramon, where it is very safe and no one would mess with anything here. Plus we live in a court and no walking traffic going by.
Our son grew up in Fremont so i was thinking of having a gather in Niles when they have the towns Christmas tree lighting. Kinda put out a invitation for anyone in the area at one of the bars or eateries in Niles.
Nothing big just whoever wants to come over and share some memories.
But I do like the tree outside too....
We are like 1/2 hour away from each other I think. I was on jury duty in Martinez a couple of years ago
Comment by Tami on July 11, 2010 at 12:57pm
Hi Susan, I am so sorry for your loss, nobody knows the bound between Mother and Son. I can remember being at seven months, it seems so unreal, when the year hit, I was in disbelief that an entire year had past, I kept thinking about the Victorian days when widows would wear black for the entire first year, when I thought back on it I thought, WOW time flies, it really isnt that long... I live in California too! Martinez, I have a little thought for you for December, You could put a small Christmas tree out front, with lights and have his friends and family come over to put small ornaments on it that remind them of him, It also matters where you live so it wont get stolen. I had a memorial out side and someone took some things off of it! We have let off balloons every single month, rain or shine, its my way of keeping him in his friends minds, when they are this young they soon forget! I am so glad that you like the site, I have to tell you it saved me, I didnt know what to do with myself, as I started reading about other parents and the losses they had it made me realize I wasnt alone... About the balloons going up and away, I too think it was Joey, he was a prankster, I still keep finding little pictures he drew (they arent drawings that chidren should see, because he knew that would get me mad) all over the house, I find them under stacks of dishes, in photo frames that have a bunch of slots so I dont notice them at first, in kitchen cabinets under soup cans, just all over, a friend of his thought it was so funny to put these little drawings places for shock value, so they made a bunch and hid them everywhere! I laugh now, but before I used to get so mad at him! My love to you and your Son. You will know what to do, you will feel it in your heart, even if it is just to sit for a few moments and send him love, light a candle in his honor, reflect. XOXOXO
Comment by Susan - Donny's Mom on July 11, 2010 at 9:42am
I read your entire post above....I know I will have to go through the "one year mark" in December of this year. Our family is at 7 months right now.
We too lost our son (39) suddenly. Luckily we have many friends and a tight loving family that has help us through each step of this sad journey.
In reading your post, when you talked about the balloons going off (twice) I had the strongest feeling that it was your son that had a part in that. I don't know if he was a jokester but if he was I bet he got a good laught out of the balloons going up twice...
I love the idea of a BBQ but we lost our son in December and the weather is not good then here in California.
I want to personally thank you for for starting this website, it is a blessing for sure for all of us to post our feelings and get great advice from other families who are going through what we are all feeling. As you said, some days are bad and some are ok....and when we need some strength we can post our feelings or read how other families have made it through these times.
Maybe our sons are friends now.....mine loved everyone, no one was a stranger.
Comment by Tami on June 30, 2010 at 10:45pm
Hi Kathy, Im so sorry I missed Jons day! I have been neglecting this site for months, Have been helping family members that have lost, it keeps me busy, I have bad nights and days, It is only natural, sometimes I just shut off and stay to myself, read or watch TV, just to shut my mind off. I really didnt know if I would make it this far, but I have and I now know it can be done. It is so different then losing a parent or a loved one, As a parent you know what I am talkng about... I hold on to the day that i will see my Son, I am not rushing it, but if it happens it happens, I tell my husband that too, Just let me go, I will be fine! I hope that your day was a peaceful day, I was running around for the full week trying to get this BBQ together, I think thats what held me together! I try to stay as busy as possible, it really helps. I too cry pretty easily, Why wouldnt we? I just try not to cry in front of people. I have an Angel in the garden that I made out in front of my house for Joey and it says "A mothers love never ends" This is so true.
Love to you Kathy, and Love to Jon. We are stronger then we thought! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Comment by Kathy Mook on June 30, 2010 at 9:19pm
Tami, I've been thinking about you alot. Yesterday was Jon's day. It hurts a lot. I've tried to keep going too because I know Jon would have wanted me to. A year ago I was in a "bubble" of protection. Now, I cry pretty easily. I'm glad you have so many supportive folks in your life. Have I told you lately, Thanks for starting this group? You have made a way for hundreds of hurting parents and other relatives to connect and share. Thank you sooooooooooo much. Love to you. Kathy

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