My Brad passed away on August 5, 2009. It was very sudden, he left to go to the store and the minute he left our subdivision (35 seconds later) he suffered cardiac arrest and was gone. I heard sirens and had a sick feeling in my stomach for a few seconds and then my neighbor came over to ask if Brad was home, I said no but he would be right back, thinking she needed help with something as Brad helped everyone out. She had a funny look on her face and said there was an accident and there was a red blazer. I immediately went outside and saw across the field by our house our car. I remember running across the field and saw him laying on the side of the road surrounded by EMT's doing CPR. The police wouldnt let me go over by him, he was so still. Finally they said they were taking him to he hospital, only a few minutes away. My neighbor took my daughter and myself to the hospital and when I got there I told them my husband was just brought in and they told me to go into a room off of the lobby and someone would be in soon. Then I knew he was gone, I didn't want to go in to the room to hear those words. They had to pull me in there and that's when they told me Brad was gone. It was the first time he left that we didn't kiss goodbye. All he did was smile and wink at me and say, I'll be home in a few minutes. Now I know what he meant. He was feeling so good, I dont understand how something like this could happen to turn my life upside down and things will never be the same again. Part of me died that day also. We worked together and went everywhere together, we were together 24/7, that day was the only time I didn't go with him to the store. Oh how I wish I would have gone with him.
It is coming up on 1 year since he left me and I feel I am worse off now than I was in August. I am so lonely, I am depressed, I can't find a therapist to talk to, all they keep telling me is my feelings are "normal", no one can tell me how to deal with this. I feel like I will never be the same again, he doesn't come to me in my dreams which I wish he would, just to see his smile again. I need help and don't know what to do!
I know many of you are going through the same thing, can anyone help me?
Thanks for reading this,
Barb

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Comment by Marianne on November 10, 2010 at 12:55pm
Barb,
My husband died of a sudden heart attack too, on July 10, 2010. My youngest daughter and I left to go shopping and when I called him 30 minutes later, there was no answer either on his cell or our home phone. We were gone an hour and I went into the house I found him sitting in his chair, obviously gone. I was sharing a song with my daughter in the car and still can't bear to listen to that artist. It makes me think of how he was dead while we were laughing about my taste in music. Even though I knew he was gone, I did cpr as did my daughter and neighbor. I left briefly when the police said the coroner was on the way. I just couldn't bear to see him leave our home that way.
I haven't seen him in my dreams yet either but I ask him every night to come visit. Today is 4 months without him. I am struck by how my and my daughters' lives changed forever in an instant.
I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom for you, all I can offer is I know how you feel. Hang in there, do you have family to support you?
Comment by Marsha Thompson on October 30, 2010 at 11:15am
Barb, I can relate to what you said, my Jerry and I were together all of the time except for when I had to be away at work, I feel so empty and lonely inside. I too, wish he'd come to me in a dream and maybe someday he will, friends said that once I made it thru the funeral, I'd start to feel better because that would be the hardest but as well meaning as they are, they were wrong. It seems to get worse each day as I miss him more and more, find myself turning to ask him what he'd like for dinner and realizing he's not here. I too, am depressed and facing bankruptcy and the loss of our home as well. I have never even been in a support group before for anything so this is new to me, but I see the compassion and caring from others who really DO understand what we are going thru. I have my faith in God and that is the only thing that is keeping me from going off the deep end right now and I know without a doubt that Jerry is with Him but it still hurts than anything in the world... I know that I will eventually get thru this and so will you and everyone here in this group, and I know the therapists and counselors tell us this is "normal" and that we have to grieve, but I don't want it to be "normal", I just want to be able to get thru a day without crying and wishing it was me instead of Jerry. This coming Monday will only be 2 weeks since Jerry left me and what little time that I have been able to do other things with family and friends or just go for a ride have taken my mind off of my own sadness for a short while. I know Jerry would not want me to be sad and if he were here, he'd say "Why are u crying? You know I loved you, you have to go on!"
Comment by Mary A White on October 6, 2010 at 9:59pm
Hi Barb, David and I were like you and Brad we were together 24/7 for 30 years only once were we apart and he had gone to a family reunion for 2 weeks when he got to sick to stay and had to come home early. He had esophageal cancer that they told us after his surgery he was cancer free on July 1 2010 the reunion was the week after the 4th of July ,he came home I took him to the hospital were they told us he was terminal on july 23 it had spread to the peritoneal cavity and they could not do anything. I was devastated.I didnt go because I had taken off so much work when he was in the hospital I felt I needed to stay now I wish I had those memorys to. He was in the hospital until Sept 1 when we brought him home with hospice care. He passed on Sept 11 I cant wrap my arms around what has happened he was cancer free then terminal then gone in such a short time I am so lost with out him I know how you wish you could see him in your dreams it would make me so happy to dream of him to hear his voice to have him back for a moment would be so wonderful. I have noticed alot of the people on this site were together for a long time and were soulmates So I believe they understand how I feel I to am so depressed and If it were not for having a 15 year old son I dont think I could go on
I know he would not want me to say things like that because he loved life but life has gotten really hard and he is not here to help me , and I like Sharon will lose my house I cant afford it with out him we did not have life insurence so I am battling all those emotions as well. he passed away at home so I feel like if i lose the house I lose another part of him. I am trying to just live day by day and I dont know who I am with out him. and I agree about the therapist it takes someone who has been there to understand these emotions, and I have began to discover there is not a "normal" for any thing any more. I have been rambling on about everything and I hope you dont mind I jut needed to vent some of these emotions.thanks for listening Mary
Comment by Denise J Demchock on August 8, 2010 at 7:37pm
Hi Barb,

Steve and I were married for 34 years. We were like you and Brad. Always together, a wonderful marraige, very much in love with each other.
It was a tuesday morning, we sat down for breakfast. He said he wasn't feeling well and I told him to take the day off. He said he was ok and was going to work. He picked up his spoon of oatmeal, and before he could get it to his mouth, his eyes closed and he fell off the chair onto the floor. That was the last I saw of him. They whisked him away and then I had a heart attack. There I was alone in the hospital having a stent put into my heart. He would have been so upset if he had known what had happened to me. He was 56 and I was 55. Could this be a nightmare? My poor kids, even though they are grown, I feel so bad for them without their dad. My daughter is getting married next month and I am walking her down the aisle. It will be a bittersweet moment for us.
I miss my husband so much, he was supposed to be my partner for life. I never went to counseling. My children helped me as much as they could. My mom is 84 and she and I like to hang out together. Also I bought two puppies, Jesse and Jack. I love to take them for walks and play with them. I bake for the neighborhood, I go to bingo and the casino. It will be 3 years in November. I still feel like it was about 6 months ago, it's horrible, but it's a part of life. Please try not to be depressed, find new joys in your family. Try not to think of yourself and do little things for others. We still have our lives to live and I will not bring anyone down, it's selfish. If you need more help, go to the doctor and get paxil. It has saved my life!! Denise
Comment by Denise J Demchock on August 8, 2010 at 7:37pm
Hi Barb,

Steve and I were married for 34 years. We were like you and Brad. Always together, a wonderful marraige, very much in love with each other.
It was a tuesday morning, we sat down for breakfast. He said he wasn't feeling well and I told him to take the day off. He said he was ok and was going to work. He picked up his spoon of oatmeal, and before he could get it to his mouth, his eyes closed and he fell off the chair onto the floor. That was the last I saw of him. They whisked him away and then I had a heart attack. There I was alone in the hospital having a stent put into my heart. He would have been so upset if he had known what had happened to me. He was 56 and I was 55. Could this be a nightmare? My poor kids, even though they are grown, I feel so bad for them without their dad. My daughter is getting married next month and I am walking her down the aisle. It will be a bittersweet moment for us.
I miss my husband so much, he was supposed to be my partner for life. I never went to counseling. My children helped me as much as they could. My mom is 84 and she and I like to hang out together. Also I bought two puppies, Jesse and Jack. I love to take them for walks and play with them. I bake for the neighborhood, I go to bingo and the casino. It will be 3 years in November. I still feel like it was about 6 months ago, it's horrible, but it's a part of life. Please try not to be depressed, find new joys in your family. Try not to think of yourself and do little things for others. We still have our lives to live and I will not bring anyone down, it's selfish. If you need more help, go to the doctor and get paxil. It has saved my life!! Denise
Comment by Kim on July 27, 2010 at 9:40am
Hi Barb,
I am so sorry about Brad. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. I too wish my husband would come to me in dreams but he doesn't. My family thinks I need couseling, but I don't want to talk to someone who has never experienced the loss I have. How could they possible help when they have no clue what it is even like. Some people say in time the pain will get better, but I don't believe that and for me each day seems to get worse. Maybe its because Jerry and I did everything together it is so hard now to be alone. I wake up alone, do the chores alone, eat alone, go to bed alone. I hate it. We have an 18 year old son and I am such a mess I can't even be there for him. Thank god he has his girlfriend there for him. I tried to go back to work 3 weeks after my husband passed away, but had to take a leave of absence yesterday because I can't stop crying. All I do is cry. I hate seeing other couples because it just makes me miss Jerry more. My husband did everything for me. He took care of me. He treated me like a princess, now I am trying to learn how to do things on my own and it is hard. My whole world has been flipped upside down and inside out. I don't know what gods plan is for me, but I pray all the time he takes me soon so I can be with the love of my life...Jerry.

Take Care, you are in my thoughts,
Kim
Comment by bc on July 14, 2010 at 6:12am
Sharon, thanks for the note, Brad taught me way too much, but now I'm glad he did! We restored classic cars together so I can do a simple fix on my car if I need to and everytime he would do something around the house he would want me there to watch and teach me, "just in case something ever happened to him" he would say. So now whenever something needs fixing I attempt it, but then get overwhelmed when I find I can't fix it and I have a "meltdown". I also have an 85 yr old mother in a Nursing home with Alzheimer's and I am her guardian so I have that to deal with, and every time I visit I leave in tears because he doesn't remember Brad's death and asks for him as he always visited her with me. He was my rock, whenever I would be down, he would find a way to make me feel better. I lost my father 3-1/2 yrs before Brad and never really got over that, I had to sell my house two weeks before Christmas because the mortgage company wouldn't work with me and it was going to go into foreclosure. I do have six brothers and sisters but all they say is everything will be ok.One of my daughters moved out and the other one just moved back from Florida so see we are alot alike. I try to stay busy, maybe too busy because at my age I shouldn't be doing alot of the work I am, but I keep telling myself Brad would be proud of me.
I'm so thankful for this site, and all of the people I've "met", I now know I am not alone, there are so many hurting as I am, before I though I was the only one. Thanks to you and everyone else. Hope to keep in touch and God Bless you, here's a HUG, which we all need!
Barb
Comment by Sharon on July 14, 2010 at 4:48am
You sound like Bob and I it has been 13 months since he left for work and I got that phone call from the hospital to come he had already passed we were married for 24 years and I have a 22 year old daughter who just moved out because she can't handle the house rules so I have delt with this also as a loss...now I am all alone with my toy poodle Nikki, she is all I have...I have come to the conclusion that no one is going to help me but myself and to talk to others is a big comfort especially ones who are going through this too...I was a homemaker and I have never paid a bill so this is all very stressful and well I have to survive on my own...I'm learning everything the hard way and everyone and everything scares me to death....I only have a wonderful 84 year old mother left in my family and don't want to worry her with my thoughts, you see I lost my father three months before Bob died, dad was 84 and died in hospice it lasted 6 weeks... In 16 months I have lost my house, my father, my husband and now my daughter...I am an only child so I have no sisters or brothers. I am so lonley without Bob he was my world as you can imagine. I need help too and it's not getting better it's gettin worse...I did buy a new house and new cars for both my daughter...but now that she has left I am going through another loss...Be strong and try to keep youself busy is what I have found to be the most helpful. God Bless you and know that you are not alone.

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