I'm lost without them.

2 weeks ago today on November 3rd, 2008, I lost my son Alexander James. Losing him was completely unexpected and since he's gone, I've lost myself somewhere.

Alex was my third pregnancy. The first was in 1994. We lost our daughter Elizabeth Lynn at 20 weeks due to my incompetent cervix, which we didn't know was incompetent until it was too late.
My 2nd pregnancy was in 2006 and was twins. We lost the first baby at 10 weeks to disappearing twin syndrome. We'll never know what sex that baby was, but I dubbed "her" a girl and named her Hope, because in losing her, I thought that maybe gave the other baby a chance to survive since I have an incompetent cervix. A cerclage was scheduled at 16 weeks. At 15 weeks my water broke because the bag was bulging through my cervix. We lost our daughter Lucinda Jean.

This time around, I had a cerclage in my 13th week. I was on modified bed rest beginning week 14. I was put on strict bedrest at 18W 6D because my cervix was funneling, though the stitch was still holding, and the cervical length was still good. I went and bought a maternity girdle to help keep the strain off of my cervix. I also bought a wedge pillow. From that day on, I laid in my bed on the wedge pillow, and was like that for almost 2 weeks. At 20W 5D I lost my little son. We don't have the tests back yet, but the doctors feel it was some sort of infection, because I became violently ill in the hospital and I spiked a fever. All the way up until the end, the cerclage was doing it's job. My cervix still measured 2.7 cm when they did the ultrasound, only to learn his tiny heart had stopped beating. I NEVER expected that. I prayed to God every single day, almost all day, thanking Him for my pregnancy and the health of my baby and myself. Everything was really going fine until that day.

I'm 37 years old. I've lost all 4 of my children. I just don't know what to do with myself now. I don't know where to go in my life or how to act or how to correspond with people in a "normal" way that doesn't just SCREAM that I've lost my mind in this grief.

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Comment by Drezek on April 26, 2011 at 1:15pm: I too lost my first son ,it was so long ago ,but he is always in my heart ...........

Comment by CrystalsWithMe on April 24, 2010 at 11:37pm: I know its been a bit since you wrote your story,But your story touched my heart! I lost my Only Child she is only 29 years old with 3 precious babies that miss their mommy so very much !
my heart aches for my baby as i know your heart does to...People around us there lives go on and as you I sit there I wonder how they can continue while I cry,Cry ,cry. My Daughter died sudden from a brain injury and suddenly died 3 days later and all of a sudden I needed to make funeral/burial plans .

Mother to Mother I hope you have a lil peace in ur broken heart knowing the bigger angels are caring for the littler angel every day as I do !!!!:)

Comment by Charlesmom on February 22, 2010 at 1:37pm: I am reading posts from 09, but would like to let you know I have lost my full term son, Charles in May of 09. This is the worst thing that has happened to me...I never knew that this would even be a possibility of happening..our children are not supposed to die!! If anyone would like to chat or just vent im here to listen...Thank you!

Comment by LiamsMom on June 22, 2009 at 10:25pm: Hello Tammy, I came across your story while I was looking for an Obit listing of a dear friend's baby girl who just died and was buried this past Saturday (June 20, 2009). I'm writing to ask if you would be willing to speak to her or email her at some point. She is devastated and reeling with shock. You will understand. My first-born son Liam died on Dec 31, 2004. I'm grateful I had him and loved him for 2 years 2 months. I now have a special needs child who provides me great joy and comfort. I would like to be in touch with you, to listen or just be. A stranger, yet a compassionate friend.

Comment by Lee on November 18, 2008 at 8:50pm: Tammy, I've never experienced losses like yours, so I don't have any advice for you. But I do have sympathy, as tiny an offering as that is. I'm a regular reader of a blog at www.flotsamblog.com, written by a woman who had similar experiences to yours. She now has a nine-month-old daughter, but she lost her daughter's twin brother at 22 weeks. I believe that she also had at least three other miscarriages, and struggled to become pregnant. I have no idea whether it would help for you to read her writing, but I thought that I would offer it to you.

Comment by Cheryl on November 17, 2008 at 1:23pm: wow, what a series of events. I'm sure that everyone around you just doesn't know how to make it better, so they do nothing.. Or they ask how your doing. when that happens I reply with " we're working on it"... My youngest, our Alex, was born with numerous issues, but I wouldn't have changed a thing... Don't give up hope, I am adopted, my 'mom' could not have children, I was a chosen child... I hope that you would concider possibly adoption?? Of course it's not the same, it's not meant to be the same, it's meant to give you an opportunity to give the love you have as a mom to a child that is in need of it. I have since met my birth-mother, nice lady, but am truly blessed to have been chosen by my 'mom'. Thank you for sharing your story with me... My Alexander will watch over your Alexander!! I promise!!