2 weeks ago today on November 3rd, 2008, I lost my son Alexander James. Losing him was completely unexpected and since he's gone, I've lost myself somewhere.
Alex was my third pregnancy. The first was in 1994. We lost our daughter Elizabeth Lynn at 20 weeks due to my incompetent cervix, which we didn't know was incompetent until it was too late.
My 2nd pregnancy was in 2006 and was twins. We lost the first baby at 10 weeks to disappearing twin syndrome. We'll never know what sex that baby was, but I dubbed "her" a girl and named her Hope, because in losing her, I thought that maybe gave the other baby a chance to survive since I have an incompetent cervix. A cerclage was scheduled at 16 weeks. At 15 weeks my water broke because the bag was bulging through my cervix. We lost our daughter Lucinda Jean.
This time around, I had a cerclage in my 13th week. I was on modified bed rest beginning week 14. I was put on strict bedrest at 18W 6D because my cervix was funneling, though the stitch was still holding, and the cervical length was still good. I went and bought a maternity girdle to help keep the strain off of my cervix. I also bought a wedge pillow. From that day on, I laid in my bed on the wedge pillow, and was like that for almost 2 weeks. At 20W 5D I lost my little son. We don't have the tests back yet, but the doctors feel it was some sort of infection, because I became violently ill in the hospital and I spiked a fever. All the way up until the end, the cerclage was doing it's job. My cervix still measured 2.7 cm when they did the ultrasound, only to learn his tiny heart had stopped beating. I NEVER expected that. I prayed to God every single day, almost all day, thanking Him for my pregnancy and the health of my baby and myself. Everything was really going fine until that day.
I'm 37 years old. I've lost all 4 of my children. I just don't know what to do with myself now. I don't know where to go in my life or how to act or how to correspond with people in a "normal" way that doesn't just SCREAM that I've lost my mind in this grief.