Hello, I just joined the group. I am having a really BAD day, can't stop crying.
My darling husband of 29 years died unexpectedly in August last year. I was overseas at the time. We have no children and no extended family where we live and very few friends. I had to ask the neighbour to check why he was not answering his phone and it took for EVER. I wanted him to break the door down but he was saying I am over reacting. Eventually my neighbour was able to open a small window and see though the bedroom curtains and he said he was unresponsive. The next minute the police comes to the phone and they say ' I am sorry, he has gone'. I was on the other side of the world and my darling was dead. It haunts me that he died alone. It was a cardiac arrest apparently caused by a virus that attacked his heart.He went to the doctor the day before for a check up and all was well. He was fit and only 61. They say he died in his sleep but how do they know? I could have been home with him. Could I have saved him? We were holidaying together visiting my my family in Europe but he needed to come home one week early. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him and he said' I would like that very much' but I didn't because my mum was upset that I was leaving earlier that expected.It was only a week. Last time I saw him alive was at the airport. I did not speak to him the day he died as we were both busy. I know he was happy as he had quite a social day,lunch and dinner with friends and he was happy. It haunts me that I was not there for him.
I am now living alone with my cat, I go to work as I am only 52. No family close by but I want to be in our home. I had to fill in a form the other day and I did not know what to put for' next of kin'. People expected me to return to Europe to my family but that is the last thing I want to do. I would have a lot more support there but it does not feel right. It is so tough not to have family though. I keep busy with work, I go to workshops, I meditate, I am looking after my husband's legacy and I am looking for a dog. I tried to set up a widow's group but got no response in my area. Just after David died a new neighbour arrived, a divorced lady with grown children. She has been a god send and I catch up with her a couple of times a week. I miss David so much, I met him when I was 20 and he has been an amazing husband. It was just us two. Now just me.